Why I’m Glad Covid Didn’t Kill Ted Nugent

"Yeah, I know he's made only one good record in his 55-year career, and he doesn't even do drugs. But he's a motherfucker of a guitarslinger, and his one good record is a masterpiece."

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When the Motor City MAGAman took to Facebook on April 19 and broke the news to the “Nugent Tribe” that he almost died from Covid, I, like all good libtards, was LMFAO.

The irony didn’t escape the media’s attention. “Just four months ago, Nugent doubted that the coronavirus even existed, calling it a ‘scamming pandemic’ and vowing not to take any vaccine, NBC reported. ‘It’s not a real pandemic and that’s not a real vaccine. I’m sorry, I ain’t taking no vaccine,’ Nugent told fans in a video on Christmas Day.”

But that was before the fake virus entered the Nuge’s mask-less face and knocked him on his over-the-hill ass. “I was tested positive today,” he Facebooked. “I got the Chinese shit.” (Or, as Hair Furor Trump so wittily called it, “Kung Flu.”)

“I have never been so sick in all my life,” Uncle Ted continued. “I could barely crawl out of bed … I thought I was dying.” Then, in an apparently unintentional plug for a noted leftist rag, he pledged to “counterpunch” the virus with his rugged American willpower.(*)

“He spent the rest of his nine-minute video slurring China, describing a contentious conversation he conducted with a doctor, casting doubts on the ingredients in Covid vaccines, and praising My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell,” according to Rolling Stone.

Star Trek star George Takei responded to the news by showing off his knowledge of the Nuge discography, as Newsweek documented. Takei, who’s not even Chinese, tweeted: “Ted Nugent, a long Covid-19 denier and conspiracy theorist, has come down with a bad case of it, calling it the ‘Chinese shit’ in a racist video rant. But maybe it’s not even Covid. I’m thinking it’s just Cat Scratch Fever.” (Takei could be seen as a member of the #Resistance Grift Club due to his anti-Trump loopiness — yeah, Trump blows but so does the #Resistance — but he’s rich and probably not making money off his political stances, to the best of my knowledge, but it does garner attention for his over-the-hill ass.)

Although Uncle Ted’s near-death is almost funny as Takei’s joke, I admit that I’ll be glad when he’s “cocked, locked, and ready to rock” again.

Yeah, I know he’s made only one good record in his 55-year career, and he doesn’t even do drugs. But he’s a motherfucker of a guitarslinger, and his one good record is a masterpiece. I refer, of course, to Marriage on the Rocks / Rock Bottom, a classic of psych-prog gonzo from 1970. The Rolling Stone Record Guide rates it as his worst album, which proves my point.

Don’t forget that none other than Frank Zappa signed the Nuge to his DiscReet label in 1973, resulting in his first LPs with his now all-too-familiar Guns & Ammo aesthetic: Tooth, Fang, and Claw, and Call of the Wild. The latter title, of course, was poached from the famous wolf novel by the great American socialist alcoholic, Jack London.

The Nuge takes a meeting with his boss.

Speaking of racist rants, infectious disease, and China, did you know that Jack London wrote about exterminating Chinese people with germs? Yeah, it’s in his 1906 futuristic short story, The Unparalleled Invasion.

According to the almost gleefully-told tale, in the year 1976 “all of China was bombarded with the glass tubes filled with microbes and bacilli.”

Within six weeks most of Peking’s 11 million people were dead of plagues and every virulent form of infectious disease … There was no eluding the microscopic projectiles that sought out the remotest hiding places. The hundreds of millions of dead remained unburied and the germs multiplied themselves, and, toward the last, millions died daily of starvation. Besides, starvation weakened the victims and destroyed their natural defenses against the plagues. Cannibalism, murder, and madness reigned. And so perished China.

Damn, that’s almost as bad as saying “Chinese shit!”

Whatever you call it, the Nuge didn’t perish from it, and I say we should be thankful. To paraphrase FDR’s fabled line about the Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza, Ted Nugent is a Covidiot, but he’s our Covidiot. He deserves America, and America deserves him. His MAGA manifesto isn’t called Ted, White, and Blue for nothing!

(*)Note: Washington Babylon editor-in-chief Ken Silverstein founded CounterPunch in 1993. The legendary Alexander Cockburn joined the following year. CounterPunch.org is currently run by longtime CP guru Jeffrey St. Clair, as well as the esteemed team of Eric Draister, Joshua Frank, Nathaniel St. Clair, Becky Grant, and apologies to anyone I forgot.

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David Bonner is a Washington Babylon Contributing Writer and Senior Analyst of MAGA affairs. Veteran copywriter, former gutter journalist and snake oil salesman for a conspiracy webcult, and author of "Revolutionizing Children's Records" (Scarecrow Press) and “Selling Folk Music” (University Press of Mississippi).