Why Bernie Won’t Win: Assassination or Bust?

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To the untrained eye, next year’s American presidential campaign blurs all lines between politics, Reality TV and entertainment. However, it’s better seen, for those with long-term historical perspective, as the culmination of a process that can be traced back to 1960.

That year, the telegenic, unexperienced JFK won a critical TV debate largely because his better-qualified opponent, Richard Nixon, was recovering from the flu and refused make-up, and as a result looked like a man who was awaiting his own execution. Of course, it also helped that JFK’s father, who allegedly had long-standing ties to the mob, apparently stole the key state of Illinois with the help of the corrupt Chicago Democratic machine, thereby securing the presidency for his son.

What’s now different, is that TV has become the only needed vehicle to capture the masses. Hence, the two main qualifications needed to become the titular head of the Free World are:

1/ The ability to own or raise the billions of dollars needed to saturate the airwaves with commercials targeted at an American electorate composed of people who have the average attention span of an Instagram-mad teenager;

2/ The ability to string together a few sentences from a teleprompter and thereby win all important if vapid TV debates.

Adding fuel to the fire is that social media allows and encourages people to celebrate being stupid, ignorant and uninformed.

All this helps explain why the major candidates for president, at the moment, would be more properly housed in prisons or lunatic asylums. The only people who don’t understand this are Washington’s lazy, predictable campaign reporters; the political consultants who are quite rightly milking the election for every penny they can get; the big donors who fund and own the candidates; and, of course, the awful candidates themselves.

It would seem at the moment that the leading presidential contenders, in no particular order, are:

A. This is probably too much to hope for but former secretary of state Hillary Clinton still apparently believes she is entitled to be president by virtue of her gender, political lineage and donations from Goldman Sachs and other major Wall Street firms.

B. Donald Trump, already the biggest Laughingstock-in-Chief in the history of the American Republic, will hopefully run for reelection.

C. Ted Cruz, the most extreme conservative in the race thus far and a man largely untethered from reality.

D. Marco Rubio, who is probably the dumbest man to ever run for president but can read from a teleprompter and is Wall Street’s preferred Republican. Rubio, it bears emphasizing, stands out among all candidates for his sheer, brazen corruption. He was also raised by coke dealers, which explains a lot, and he was once a semi-nude male dancer.

E. A few other losers and slobs like Kamala Harris, Beto So Bland I Forgot His Last Name, and Joe Biden.

F. Petunia, the people’ choice, who has stunned the political establishment by rocketing to No. 1 in the latest Gallup survey, with 56 percent of likely voters saying they will cast their ballot for her next year. Disclosure: I am Petunia’s campaign manager. Also, the survey has a margin of error of 56 percent.

Petunia’s running mate, Bella Robinson, is the first person to run for vice president in the history of our illustrious Republic. Check it out, it’s true.

G. Bernie Sanders, who I’ll discuss at some length and explain why he won’t win in 2020. I don’t know who will win but it ain’t gonna be the Jew.

Speaking of which, I take pride in the fact that the last two candidates who have stirred genuine passion during the nomination process are both Jews, Bernie and Barry Goldwater, who lost the nomination to Dick Nixon in 1960 and who LBJ utterly destroyed in the general election four years later. Technically, Goldwater was only half Jewish, but if he’s good enough for Hitler he’s good enough for me.

But let’s face it, being a Hebe, even one of the few non-rich ones, will not be an asset in 2020. Sure, we control the media and the world but some people won’t vote for us. These largely white working class people may vote for Biden, but they ain’t gonna vote for the Jew.

There are some more legitimate complaints about Bernie. Now approximately 78, he has basically been an unemployed hippie for most of his adult life and lived in the woods of small, rural, gun-happy Vermont. His first real job was elected mayor of the capitol city of Burlington, which he ran without distinction.

Sanders is running as a socialist and contrarian but, to my disappointment, is a staunch supporter of the National Rifle Association, which wants all “adult” Americans to be able to buy automatic weapons and armor-piercing ammunition with no background checks. He is completely clueless on foreign policy, his own supporters gleefully admit.

The irony is that Sanders has no chance of becoming president because he is unacceptable to Wall Street and other major donors. Hence, he might sweep through the Democratic primaries but if that happens the billionaire class will funnel billions to his GOP opponent, no matter who it is.

If all else fails, and a number of backup plans surely exist, the Democratic National Committee will wheel out new and improved “Super Delegates” at the party’s convention and steal the nomination from Bernie, as it did in 2016 when it handed it over to Hillary. If that fails. Bernie could be assassinated or poisoned.

It’s enough to make a person cry, but as a journalist, democrat and humanist I must view these elections as a cynical opportunity for self-enrichment. Hence, I foresee devoting much of my time between now and November 2020 to profiting off the nation’s sad state of affairs.

To my friends and others who might object to my perceived cynicism, I would offer this advice. Democracy is like a fragile rose. It must be nurtured and milked and cashed in on at the right time or it withers on the vine.

[Note: My relative, allegedly deceased mob lawyer Morris Shenker, normally covers Petunia/Bella 2020. He is vacationing in Vegas and will return to covering the campaign in about a week.]

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