Washington, D.C.

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A Satire

by Tony Belletier

In a historic vote this morning Republican and Democratic lawmakers came together to vote on a bill imposing an environmentally friendly tax on the poor for breathing. With a stunning unanimous 435-0 vote H.R. 245 sailed through the lower-house and is expected to arrive on President Trump’s desk next week following reconciliation. “Bipartisanship is alive and well!” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in remarks made to reporters following passage of the bill.

“Congress today took a major step toward addressing climate change. Low-income Americans exhale Carbon Dioxide and are a leading contributor to greenhouse gas emissions. This bill will curb emissions and promote environmental sustainability.”

House Republican leader Kevin McCarthy echoed the speaker’s sentiments stating, “This is a great day for America. If you are poor in America and expect to breath, it’s time to start paying your fair share.”

While some pundits have criticized the bill as at best a cruel, regressive tax on struggling Americans and at worst a misanthropic, sadistic toll on a vital bodily functional, Speaker Pelosi downplayed such concerns telling reporters that poor Americans wouldn’t be left behind and that the Democratic Party remained committed to keep breathing affordable for working class citizens.

“Low income Americans need not worry about this bill. Nobody is going to stop you from breathing,” the Speaker said, “the government is here to work with you to help you manage your breathing options. If you work full-time, selected low-income Americans can apply for an earned, income tax-credit lowering the amount you must contribute for the air tax. If you are concerned about overdrawing and breathing too much thus incurring a fine you can go to http://www.air.gov to find information about choosing a plan for how much you can breathe based on income. While the page is not functioning at the moment, the site will be up and running very soon once we work out a few bugs.”

The site continued to be non-functional at press time.

For now, D.C. lawmakers are optimistic that the era of gridlock is over and are looking forward to increased cooperation across the aisle. Republican Whip Steve Scalise told reporters that he looks forward to growing consensus on the hill.

“At first I was skeptical about climate change, but then my Democrat party colleagues informed me that carbon is bad and that poor people are made mostly of carbon. It is my hope that this body will one day devise measures to address the problem of these low income carbon units and find a way to get rid of them once and for all!”

Tony Belletier zoomed from his site American Carnage, where he posts regularly.

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