TV Guide, Weekend Recommendations: The Gorilla Channel


Both diehard supporters of Donald Trump and regular Americans have by now heard about the Gorilla Channel. However, many are probably wondering if it features anything other than gorilla fights. Indeed it does, and in fact the Gorilla Channel has just launched a remake of a classic film series from years back.

Fortunately, Washington Babylon is able to offer a synopsis of each film in the series, “Planet of the Gorilla Channel.”

1. Planet of the Gorilla Channel: Donald Trump, as silent partner owner and brander of Gorilla Channel, stars. With extensive hair, makeup and surgery, he plays 21st century speciesist George Heston Taylor, who refuses to let an ape society pry his Twitter smartphone, TV remote control or TV channel out of his cold undead fingers.

2. Beneath the Planet of the Gorilla Channel. George Heston Taylor comes back for this second movie, appearing in key scenes involving the murder of Esteban Bannono. He is heavily aided by Brent Scaramucci, who arrives at the murder scene in a pixilated boat.

3. Escape from Planet of the Gorilla Channel. Ape leader Cohn-nelius, played by Malcolm McDowell, reaches out to Heston Taylor and promises that in exchange for his loyalty Goldman Sachs will offer a CDO on Mar-a-Lago. With Bannono dead, Heston Taylor secretly switches sides to the apes. New apes, washed ashore from Puerto Rico, Nigeria, Haiti, El Salvador and other “shitholes,” do fierce battle with each other and humans.

4. Conquest of the Gorilla Channel. McDowell returns to play Caesar Putin, son of Cohn-nelius. C-Putin leads rebellion against the tyranny of Gorilla Channel programmer Heston Taylor. Outcome is unresolved when movie ends due to Net Neutrality issues.

5. Battle for the Gorilla Channel: C-Putin creates a new TV network, Ros-Chimpanzus Today, overthrows Net Neutrality and forces all cable and satellite programmers to carry the Gorilla Channel. The evil orangutan Muellerius subpoenas all R-C Today records and does an asset seizure to shut down the movie empire.

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