Trump Builds Wall Of Trees To Hide ‘Wristy’ Release During Golf Holiday (Not Satire, All Quotes Authentic)


In one of his most diabolical moves yet, President Donald Trump blocked CNN from watching him play golf at his Mar-a-Lago course on the eve of New Year’s Eve.

“CNN news cameras did not get any video of President Trump playing golf,” explained host Ana Cabrara. “And here’s why: where CNN cameras were once positioned, trees appear. Yes, new trees are being planted there.”

Sure enough, the accompanying video presented convincing evidence of a John Deere backhoe loader planting the new trees.

The timber was no doubt a welcome relief to the driver of the white truck who several days earlier had the job of blocking CNN’s view while constantly hiding his face behind his hand, as seen on video and denied by the Secret Service and the local sheriff’s office.

When asked to comment on the tree blockage, former Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter told CNN, “It’s tragic, really.”

But to be perfectly frank, it’s really no big loss, because CNN’s analysis of Trump’s golf game sucks. In fact, it’s almost as if Wolf Blitzer’s crew doesn’t know anything about the sport at all.

For that we must turn to Golf Digest, whose editor-in-chief Jaime Diaz played two rounds with the president and reported what he saw.

“He was not particularly long off the tee—averaging about 230 yards—but a big reason was a steep downswing that produced a low fade and was better suited to good iron play,” Diaz revealed.

Then he gave the real lowdown:

Trump’s swing is imperfect but grooved, and it soon engenders a certainty that nothing really bad is going to happen to his golf ball. He has a flat takeaway well to the inside and loads hard onto his right side. Before starting down, his shoulder plane raises into what at first looks like a duffer’s over-the-top move. But Trump simultaneously unleashes the kind of aggressive opening of the left hip that is rarely seen in older amateurs, clearing the way for the club to release from an inside path.

But Trump is not interested in whatever that quote means. “I never really wanted to know a lot about my technique,” he told Diaz. “I really trust instinct a lot, in golf and a lot of things.”

The president did declassify one secret about his technique, however. “For me, it’s all about the hips,” he said.

“I’m a great putter,” he also couldn’t help bragging. But Diaz begged to differ, noting that the president’s putting suffers from “a wristy release.”

The media spent a lot of time over the New Year holiday reporting on how often Trump golfs. It was noted that he hypocritically accused Obama of golfing too much and that he golfed six days in a row after tweeting, “I hope everyone is having a great Christmas, then tomorrow it’s back to work in order to Make America Great Again.”

But for the record, December 30th marked Trump’s 85th visit to one of his golf properties during the first year of his presidency. That might seem like a lot, but he’s going to have to pick up the pace if he wants to keep up with President Eisenhower, who played over 800 rounds of golf while in office, according to Smithsonian.

“Ike” even commissioned a 3,000-square-foot putting green just outside the Oval Office, where the hardwood floor reportedly still has scars from his golf spikes.

Trump’s critics should be encouraging him to golf more instead of less. After all, it’s probably the most (and possibly only) presidential thing he does. According to The Atlantic, only Teddy Roosevelt, Herbert Hoover, Harry Truman, and Jimmy Carter never golfed while in office.

Really, Atlantic? FDR golfed?

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Howard Rushmore is America's greatest amateur bartender and the spirited remains of the famous Confidential columnist of the same name.