As other candidates dawdle and toy with the press about their maybe, possible 2020 presidential campaigns, it gives me great pleasure to announce a truly historic campaign. Petunia the Skunk is running for president and Bella Robinson, a sex worker and nationally known sex workers’ advocate, is running for vice president in 2020. They are both independents but running loosely under the Washington Babylon banner.
I’ve introduced you to Petunia before. She’s a cartoon skunk with great radical politics, generally on the left but quite eclectic — kind of like Washington Babylon. (Follow Petunia on Twitter here and Washington Babylon here.) You can read my earlier story about Petunia to learn more about her positions.
But we support her — and indeed created her — to mock our current shit show political system. Plus we believe the country needs younger leadership, preferably women of color.
We also love Petunia’s platform, which we had a hand in drafting:
—Strict limits on campaign funding by corporations, the rich and all special interest groups.
—A real crack down on lobbyists and other sleaze who work for the oligarchy.
—The immediate detention of Jeff Bezos by a revolutionary court. (On what precise charges is still being studied, but we will find them, rest assured.) He is the very symbol of today’s Über excess and Über greed, and will be swiftly arrested and hurled into a dark jail cell. He will be tried, at minimum, for seeking to create a business monopoly, from books to the military to intelligence, and for being a greedy swine. There’s also this.
Regarding our veep: Bella founded the Rhode Island Chapter of Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics (COYOTE RI) in 2010 and has served as its executive director ever since. She previously served five years in Florida prisons on drug and prostitution charges, and during incarceration experienced sexual assault at the hands of the state. She is a keen advocate of criminal justice reform, which unfairly targets and punishes people of color. You can read more about her work here and here. Follow her on Twitter here.
Bella is perhaps the perfect candidate for veep, however, we did consider other options. I offered the VP nomination to Sydney Leathers, Washington Babylon‘s Senior Contributing Writer. “I think it’s a super cute/funny idea but I’ve always said I wouldn’t ever run for office as a joke,” she replied via email “Pornhub offered to pay me to run for President in 2016. I’m not old enough but I still wouldn’t have done it even if I was lol.”
I next wanted to offer the slot to Maria Butina, the alleged Russian spy, but figured that as a foreign national — and currently in jail — she probably would be barred from running. Obviously Butina for Veep would have been a jab at the whole ludicrous Media-#Resistance Inc. Russiagate joint venture, so that would have been fun. (And I’d also note here that whatever you have read about her, especially anything in Vox, it is far from clear that Butina is guilty of anything, even though she took a plea on charges of conspiring against the United States. I don’t know that she’s innocent, but in cases like this it’s good to keep an open mind).
Let me emphasize that this is not a joke, phony campaign. We have filed all paperwork with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) for Petunia to run for president and Bella to run for vice in 2020. The FEC has previously shot down cartoon character candidates — i.e. Captain Crunch and Satan — and it could seek to block Petunia from running for the presidency.
With grassroots support for Petunia growing and the entire political establishment discredited, such action by the FEC could spark nationwide protests and violence by security forces against our peaceful supporters. But whatever happens, Bella will be on the ballot as the country’s first vice presidential candidate in November 2020, assuming the country survives that long.
Our campaign committee is based in Iowa, that key 2020 caucus state, which demonstrates the seriousness of this entire enterprise. Our press operations are based in Mississippi — where 37 percent of citizens are African-American, the highest percentage in the country, and the relatively small Latino population is rapidly growing. Mississippi also ranks high among states when it comes to poverty and income inequality. These are key constituencies we hope to reach.
Furthermore, as RedState has documented, Ronald Reagan gave a key speech to his fellow racists in 1980, during his presidential campaign. Mississippi is also home to a long line of elected racist morons, the latest (to my knowledge) being Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith.
Fuck that shit. It’s time to take back Mississippi.
And let there be no mistake. Despite the FEC’s potential huffing and puffing, Petunia is our presidential candidate, via a loophole I will explain below.
We are still investigating certain legal issues, but unless barred by law I will be the Petunia/Bella 2020 campaign manager. Andrew Stewart, our Deputy Managing Editor, will be the deputy campaign manager. Columnist Melissa Garriga Eckert will have no formal role with the campaign, but will be our senior communications advisor.
If anyone is going to jail it will be our treasurer, whose name is a secret for now. I know it’s not going to be me, that’s all I can say with certainty, I will cop a plea and sell the whole enterprise down the river if needed to avoid jail time or, worse, damage to my stellar reputation.
We will soon be raising money — hey, if Pat Buchanan once built a semipermanent organization that promoted conservative causes and simultaneously made him rich, why can’t we do the same to promote radical causes? — but for now all we want is your support promoting the campaign. Tell your family, friends, cellmates, whoever you want, and also share this story and our upcoming campaign coverage on all your Internets.
Now is the time to mock and shame our political, economic and media elites. The best way you can do that is by supporting the Petunia/Bella 2020 campaign.
As to the historic nature of Bella’s vice presidential bid, I have the opinion of no less an authority that Jim Jatras, and he’s solid as a rock. More importantly, Jim, a periodic contributor to Washington Babylon, launched an informal campaign in 2016 stating that he would serve as vice president for any GOP candidate who won the presidential nomination (except for some guy in Virginia whose name I forgot, and who Jim apparently doesn’t care for much).
But Jim did not file with the FEC. Furthermore, he researched the issue during his non-campaign and assures me Bella is the first veep candidate in our nation’s history. If that is false, I suggest you take it up with him.
As stated above, the FEC ban on cartoon candidates does not mean that Petunia is not running for president. We are (once again) studying our legal options but strongly believe, after speaking to an eminent campaign attorney whose name I cannot reveal at the moment, that the FEC is in error to ban cartoon characters from running since it has previously allowed so many real life clowns, cretins and creeps to run for public office.
So as far as we are concerned here at the campaign, Petunia/Bella 2020 is totally legal and legit under the laws of land.
However, if the FEC, the Pentagon or any other agency seeks to block Petunia from taking office following her victory next November, Bella is prepared to seize power. A benign dictatorship will help her formulate policy and her main job will be to sign off on the mass detention and trial — by peaceful means if we are not confronted with violence by the crumbling old order — of the ruling class.
[Note to reporters: In the coming days and weeks, we will be naming members to campaign advisory panels on foreign policy, national security, the execution of certain Wall Street executives for purposes of exemplary justice, the environment, etc. A number of people have already accepted positions and their names will be announced soon. Check my Twitter page for details or message Melissa on Twitter.
For now, I can only confirm that we have already filled one slot in the incoming Petunia administration, pending acceptance of the offer. If she wants the job, Sydney Leathers will hold the title of Sex Czar.]