Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe will be ousted in a coup today. [Editor’s note: Nailed it.]
Inspired by The Nation Wine Club, The Washington Babylon Weed Club will be launched and quickly attract a million members.
At a White House party, O.J. will tell Trump that he is innocent and Trump will believe him.
Putin will send an anonymous email to BuzzFeed falsely accusing Robert Mueller of sexting Washington Babylon‘s Sydney Leathers, and BuzzFeed will publish it.
Morgan Freeman will stop worrying about Russiagate and start being the new spokesman for Jell-O Pudding.
Kenny Loggins will reunite with Jim Messina, except it will be Barack Obama’s Jim Messina instead of the original Jim Messina.
The art world will be shocked when experts declare Trump’s Renoir to be the real thing, causing the value of all Renoir masterpieces to plummet. Trump will immediately sell the painting on eBay, but will keep the fake gold frame.
Tom Brady will admit that he is not the greatest quarterback of all time. (Joe Montana is.)
Trump will invite Chi Chi Rodriquez to one of his golf courses in an insincere attempt to make up for Puerto Rico, but Chi Chi will decline the invitation, and Trump will tweet that the invitation has been withdrawn, prompting LeBron James to tweet: “U bum @ChiChi already said he ain’t going! So therefore ain’t no invite.”
Steve Bannon will donate his White House papers to the Wally Butterworth archive at the University of Oregon.
McDonald’s will introduce a new sandwich called the Nothingburger, featuring Van Jones’ secret recipe for special sauce.
Democratic Party mega-donor Stephen Cloobeck will continue to get mistaken for the dead comedian Garry Shandling.
Kevin Spacey will again be accused of hitting on an underage male, but will claim that he is just doing research on his new Netflix bio-pic about Gore Vidal.