Rarely am I speechless, but today’s Roger Stone news really did a number on my brain. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed and cringed this much before noon.
I actually cringed so hard during his brief press conference that I hurt my shoulder. Should I send Roger my chiropractor bill? I guess political shitshows just bring up a lot of feelings for me, since I’m quite familiar with this territory myself.
The irony of people chanting “lock him up” at Roger Stone is almost more than I can bear. It’s like the most cringe-inducing episode of Black Mirror yet! I’ve shot a porno with a guy I didn’t find attractive and it was somehow less awkward than watching Roger’s press conference today.
During the press conference, I actually felt my skeleton have the desire to flee from my body. If you didn’t watch it, please do. I highly recommend giving yourself a good laugh, but also the kind of anxiety that takes years off your life.
Honestly, can you imagine the facial expressions I would’ve been making while watching this disaster if I hadn’t just gotten my botox touched up? Horrifying.
One of the funniest parts of all of this for me is that Roger was arrested on Friday and released on Friday after posting a $250,000 bond. A few years ago my ex-boyfriend was arrested on a Friday for driving with a suspended license and they wouldn’t let him bail himself out until Monday. Weird.
So you should be forced to spend the weekend in jail if you drive without a license, but if you’re a Batman villain who has been up to shady shit since the Nixon administration, you’re good to go!
(I think the best part of the story of my ex’s arrest is that he was on a break at work and picked up pizzas for everybody and got arrested on the way back. The police kept the pizzas for him and when I picked him up from jail that Monday, he came out with 3 boxes of old pizza. I had to share because it makes me laugh maniacally.)
I guess the moral of this story is: be careful who you idolize politically. I learned the hard way with a sexting scandal in my early 20’s, and I guess Roger will learn a painful lesson Roger if they send his ass to prison.
Just kidding, I don’t think he’s capable of the self awareness it takes to learn any kind of lesson.