While the ignorant media masses have been focused laser-like on the Cliff’s Notes of the Mueller Report, Petunia the Skunk has quietly taken a commanding and all but insurmountable lead in the 2020 race for the presidency.
The latest Harris Poll shows her with 56 percent of the vote, up from 38 percent in a Gallup Poll just a few weeks ago. In stark contrast, the numbers show Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris and Jeb Bush with a combined 13 percent. Joe Biden did not register in the survey and that was before his latest muff.
But what about AOC? Good question. Somehow she came in under Biden, after having 36 percent support in the previously-cited Gallup Poll. Paranoid minds have suggested that the survey was rigged because Kamala Harris is related to the Harris pollsters, but I know for a fact that she isn’t, because the late Lou Harris was an old co-conspirator of mine, and I know everybody in his family too. So you can take that to the bank!
Sealing the deal: Pollster Nate Silver, who has called every election since FDR’s second-term victory over Alf Landon, has said there is now an inevitability surrounding Petunia’s impending triumph. “The other candidates may as well drop out and anyone thinking of running is off their rocker,” he told me in an exclusive interview. “I’m predicting Petunia will have 50 percent of the expected vote.”
All we know for sure at this point is that Petunia’s campaign shows no signs of slowing down. Honestly, you know they’re not going to let Bernie get the nomination, and her opponents would be smart, as Silver’s comments indicate, to stop wasting their corporate money on campaigning and scam PACs. Plus, her supporters aren’t going to be fazed by Russian trolls, so Putin might as well just stick to scaring Democrats.
As I reported in these digital pages just the other day, Petunia’s running mate, Bella Robinson — who just happens to be the first VP candidate in U.S. history to run in the primaries — is leveraging her experience as a sex worker with great results. Turns out Americans like sex. Who knew? Frankly, this dynamic duo is shaping up to be an unbeatable combination for America’s future!
But Petunia is not taking anything for granted, so she recently embarked on a whistle-stop tour of the heartland, winning American hearts and minds everywhere she went. Hundreds of Wobblies came out to see her stump speech in Girard, Kansas. In Boulder Dam, Nevada, an overflow crowd of Mormons came out to her town hall meeting and we all drank Polygamy Porter. Petunia and Bella even hit the Lone Star State, where she caused Nazarenes in Pilot Point, Texas to break out in dance for the first time ever.
However, the most dramatic stop on her tour was undoubtedly at an undisclosed location on the Mexican border. “Mr. Trump,” she said so presidentially that I couldn’t help but wave the flag along with the congregated teeming masses, “tear down this wall!”
Too bad the media wasn’t there to capture it, because I would’ve paid to read the torrent of Oval Office tweets that it would’ve unleashed.