Well, you’ve probably heard by now about the official, historic launch of the Petunia/Bella 2020 presidential campaign. At this very second, amid rumors of a split within the Petunia camp — more below, apparently, sources tell me, one faction wants to seek an alliance with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez while another wants to build bridges to Karl Marx, and a third line wants to do both — unimpeachable sources tell me that the campaign is about to issue a press release naming its first official advisors.
A few of these individuals have titles as well, multiple sources have told me.
Johnny E. Williams, @jwillia2, Ambassador at large.
Christina Davidson, @RecessionRoadie, Police Reform advisory panel, Jill-of-all-Trades.
Waria ☭ @EternalBusboy, Wag the Dog Anti-War advisory panel; in line to be ambassador to Albania.
Aimee Terese, @aimeeterese, Immigration and Detainee Rights Advisory panel.
@DougHenwood, Chief Economic Advisor.
Alexandra Whitney, @iskandrah, LGBTQ advisory panel.
LOL this primary is gonna suck, @DickCheneyFacts. Title unknown, assigned to dispatch and dispose of Tom Brady.
Ward Harkavy, @WHarkavy, Smartass Affairs Unit, Opposition Research.
Sofia #LulaLivre ⭐, @with_an_eff, Fuck Bolsonaro portfolio. (Name could be an alias. Suspected Russian operative.)
Charles Glasser, @MediaEthicsGuy, IngSoc Director of Communications.
Leena Al-Arian, @LeenatheArian. Palestinian Right of Return advisory panel.
Lawrence Libby, Ministry of Funny Walks. Special Advisor on Massachusetts Recovery.
Jeffrey St. Clair, @JSCCounterPunch, Environmental Advisor and Global Warming (Jeffrey, I still think it’s a hoax.)
@Jim Jatras, Shadow Minister for Pathological Anxiety.
Oliver Lee Bateman, @MoustacheClubUS, Wrestling and PEDS Special Division.
Edward Baumgartner, @ebaumgar73, CIA director and head of the Roger Stone Dirty Ops division.
Dan Kolbert, Minister of Jewish Affairs and Marxist Culture.
Elizabeth Ferrari, @48thAve, Rabble Affairs.
Mumbo Sauce, @MkellyDc, DC Statehood Now affairs.
Matt Janovic, @MJanovic, Domestic Affairs Advisor.
David Bradvica, @davidbrad65, Treasurer. (Can be contacted through the Bureau of Prisons. Good luck.)
Anna Bekoach, @blumo0n, Advisor on Israel-Palestine.
Mr. @coreypein, Special Campaign Advisor on Class Warfare, Budget Appropriation & Union Mobilization.
Robin Leigh, @robinskyleigh, Special Advisor on Non-Defined Yet Critical Topics i.e. Health Care, Education & Housing.
There will be more names added to this list, and some possibly subtracted, in the days and weeks and months ahead. Already, tragically, some great people had to decline as a result of skittishness on the part of their employers. Others declined for reasons that are hard to fathom.
Anyway, sincere apologies if I forgot to add someone who agreed to a post, it’s hard to keep track at this point, but let me know and I will correct any omissions.
In closing, for now, I would be remiss not to mention what I have heard are among the campaign’s greatest inspirations.
And last, for now, but not least.
Campaign team, I notice we’re a little top heavy on men here, which is odd because most of my best friends and favorite people are female, but for some reason they’re not as famous. Weird. Anyway, I would love to hear about who inspired you.
And I’ll get back to you all soon with news of splits within the campaign. Have to run.