Journalists are supposed to be fair, balanced and objective. Few are but we at Washington Babylon always strive for that goal, while at the same time being completely opinionated and partial and biased.
Today, we must openly violate this central tenet of journalism. Given the political crisis our country faces, with two pathetic parties, and an economic crisis that has left much of the country in dire straits (even as major D.C. journalists are not even aware of this given their wealth, comfort and close ties to the political elite), we are not only going to endorse a presidential candidate for 2020, we are proud to sponsor her candidacy.
Meet Petunia the Skunk. Slogan: The Freshest Scent in U.S. Politics. I will be Petunia’s campaign manager; Andrew Stewart will be the deputy campaign manager and advance man; and Melissa Garriga Eckert will be Petunia’s spokeswoman and handle communications.
Why are we doing this? Why would we abandon our cherished journalism objectivity?
Well, I sort of already explained why above. But let me add a bit.
The country is off the rails. It is run by two corrupt political parties owned lock, stock and barrel by the oligarch class.
Our elections are a sham. Democrats captured the House by flipping 43 districts last November. Great. The Democrats mostly suck — the party was long ago captured by the Clinton wing and the vile Barack Obama is in that mold — and guess what? The winners in those districts received “on average more than half of their large-dollar campaign funds from outside their states,” according to a USA TODAY analysis of funding data collected by the nonpartisan Center for Responsive Politics. “By contrast, defeated Republicans in those districts collected only about one-third of their itemized funds from outside their states.”
It goes without saying that the Republican party is a collection of cretins, nitwits and neo-Nazis. We expect a slight majority of our readers may believe the Democratic Party is generally better, but on the key issues of economic policy and helping the poor and defending the middle class, it is almost as bad as the GOP.
And frankly, we prefer President Trump’s neo-isolationist foreign policy — so far — to the neoconservative foreign policy generally associated with repellent GOP figures like William Kristol and David Frum, to name just two slimeballs who have been embraced by #TheResistance to Trump. We could never support Trump, obviously. His tax cuts for the rich, hideous policies on immigration — not so terribly different than Barack Obama’s actually — and his tolerance and outright embrace of white nationalists makes him an intolerable menace.
The current crop of Democratic presidential prospects are mostly terrible. Joe Biden recently trashed Millennials, who are some of my favorite people. Personally I just don’t trust Elizabeth Warren one bit and while I generally like and admire Bernie, he’s too old and white.
There are a few rare, honorable Democrats but the vast majority are cretins and corrupt grifters. The only Democrat I would support for president — and I speak for myself here, not my two associates in the Petunia 2020 campaign — is the wonderful Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who I wrote about here.
Andrew has written about her critically but I’m not buying his argument. She may not be perfect, but let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And so far she has been very, very good and seems to get better every day. Time will tell and we need the time to see, but I’m in the tank for her for now. Unfortunately, AOC is too young to run for the presidency in 2020 and hence Washington Babylon must throw its vast national influence behind another candidate, but I’m hoping to see her sworn in come January 2025.
So why Petunia?
It’s simple. The country needs younger leadership, and preferably a woman of color. I know, being a woman is not automatically a virtue (Margaret Thatcher and Ellen DeGeneres, for example, are really annoying) nor is being a person of color. But I like Women of Color a lot more than I like white men, and Petunia fits the bill and turns 35 next January 1 and hence will be eligible to run in 2020.
We also love Petunia’s platform, which we had a hand in drafting:
Strict limits on campaign funding by corporations, the rich and unions and other special interest groups. A real crack down on lobbyists and other sleaze who work for the oligarchy.
Jeff Bezos will be detained immediately. He will be tried for seeking to create a business monopoly, from books to military and intelligence, and for being a greedy swine. If the court calls for his execution, it will be carried out in a transparent fashion, on the guillotine. There are other corporate oligarchs who may also be detained, but beheading Bezos should serve as a warning that others heed. If not, they will meet the same fate.
Break up business oligarchies, redistribute wealth, solidarity and programs that truly help the poor, good public housing and good public transportation.
Slash the Pentagon’s budget and break up the U.S, global empire and shut down most if not all overseas military bases. But no dissing of soldiers, many who enlist because they have no other options. Generals and other officers, watch your fucking step or you will be sharing a cell with Bezos.
Trump and the Clintons will be detained immediately. We are not sure yet what they will be charged with but we will charge them with something, and none of them will emerge from prison until they are buried.
Support for the LGBT community.
And this is just the start, we welcome your suggestions. (And campaign donations, to be discussed below.) Also, we would like suggestions for the name of Petunia’s political party.
Is running a cartoon skunk for president foolish? We dare say no. In Brazil, a giraffe once ran and won a seat on the city council in São Paulo. “Pigasus was a 145-pound (66-kg) domestic pig who was nominated for President of the United States as a theatrical gesture by the Youth International Party on August 23, 1968, just before the opening of the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, Illinois.“
So we ask that you join Petunia’s campaign and support her in any way you can. We will have a lot more on her campaign as it unfolds. For now the best way to help her is to help Washington Babylon, so we can cover her campaign from the road.
If you’d like to help, click on this link. We accept and are grateful for donations of any size, but we will be transparent about any donations we receive (or maybe just donations of $1,000 or more, we cannot be bought but it takes time to list every donor). And no money from special interest groups, this is a populist campaign.
So let’s get moving people, support Petunia and brothers and sisters, if you can spare a dime, we’d be very pleased.