Millennial Warning: Al Gore is not groovy


One of the great mysteries of modern politics is why millennials have the lowest voter turnout rate of any age group. The U.S. system is vibrant and dynamic — just look at 68-year-old Hillary Clinton and 70-year-old Donald Trump — so why are today’s youngsters not more turned on and tuned in and less dropped out?

Who knows, but that reportedly could change now that 68-year-old former Veepster Al Gore is hitting the campaign trail to woo youthful voters who just can’t make up their mind in this election. Gore is what 69-year-old Andrea Mitchell of NBC News calls the Clinton campaign’s “secret weapon” with millennials.

Anyway, if you’re a millennial, what’s not to love about Al Gore? Since many of you may only have the vaguest idea of who he is — something to do with Global Warming? — I’ve compiled a so-called “listicle” of the Top Nine reasons that you shouldn’t fall under the sway of the charismatic whirling dervish named Al Gore.

1/ He and wife Tipper once ran something called the Parents Music Resource Center that tried to ban songs that encouraged sex, drugs, Satan, and masturbation. The Center created the music industry’s Parental Advisory Label.

2/ No. 1 on the list of the “Filthy Fifteen” songs Al wanted banned was Prince’s Darling Nikki.

3/ As vice president, Gore led a national crusade against drugs. Using the slogans of “get clean to get out” and “stay clean to stay out,” he fought for for longer prison time for ”repeat offenders.”

4/ While leading this national anti-drug crusade Gore hosted Jerry Garcia at the White House.

5/ Hosted Saturday Night Live with Phish.

6/ Gore was a huge advocate for NAFTA and free trade. That’s why you’re unemployed and living in your parents’ basements and have to listen to them lecture you about having no initiative. 

7/ Hey, guess who’s one of the people who quietly fucked you on student loans?

8/ Was for the Iraq War when it mattered, then later claimed he was against it.

9/ Speaking of war, has he ever opposed one?

Q: Grenada?

A: I supported that.

Q: Panama?

A: I supported that one.

Q: Persian Gulf?

A: Yes, I voted for it, supported it.

Q: Somalia?

A: That was ill considered. I did support it at the time. In retrospect the lessons there are ones that we should take very seriously.

Q: Bosnia.

A: Oh, yes.

Q: Haiti?

A: Yes.

Q: And then Kosovo.

A: Yes.

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