His Royal Ghoul Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth of England and noted flaming-hot racist, died at age 99 on April 9, 2021, as everyone on the planet knows due to a global-wide Shock-and-Awe campaign of media coverage. There’s a lot of high minded (and undeniably correct) cultural commentary about how Philip as “a signifier” serves as a perfect cipher for the gentrified British imperialist character.
However, that obscures the fact that Philip was a stereotypically evil, Nazi-loving monster, so cartoonishly vile that The Simpsons’ Montgomery Burns looks like an Italian Neorealist character study by contrast. (Click here to see an aggregated list of the most wretched things His Highness spake, compiled by some brave soul.)
Last month when Philip’s estranged granddaughter-in-law Meghan Markle told Oprah a member of the fam had asked aloud about her unborn baby Archie’s skin tone, a voice in the back of my head immediately said “I bet it was that nasty old shit, he treated Princess Diana’s beau Dodi Fayed the same way!” (Markle is not attending the funeral, ostensibly because she is pregnant again and COVID restrictions and…good for her whatever the alibis.)
Our comrades and friends across the pond are currently being inundated with a maudlin nightmare narrative, perhaps best summarized here:
Lest there be misunderstanding, we’re not talking about your cranky old grandpa that says embarrassing trash off-the-cuff but “has a good heart,” an Archie Bunker at Buckingham Palace who “learns his lesson” at the end of the day when Meathead Charles the Hippie Prince breaks through the rough crust to reveal the soft insides.
No, this guy had a bunch of sisters who MARRIED NAZIS. And not just “whoops, I got drunk and wore a swastika to a costume party” Nazi sympathizers, we’re talking Jew-murdering SS officers. One of Philip’s nephews was even named after Hitler. As spawn of the German-Danish House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, he counted amongst his cousins Tsar Nicholas II of Russia, who casually presided over a bunch of antisemitic pogroms, and the Greek monarchs who propped up a fascistic postwar government in 1949.
If there’s one thing about Prince Philip that all of humanity should remember at the moment (but won’t given the sympathetic deluge of media coverage), it is the following: This is the death of the last high-ranking member of the Royal Family who thought Adolf Hitler was a jolly good mate.
The House of Windsor has spent the past 75 years bribing the press (exemplified by ludicrous whore Piers Morgan) with access and posh party favors to cover up that there was a MASSIVE bloc within the Palace, the aristocracy, and the British financial elites who wanted to build a British-German alliance to invade Soviet Russia and slay the Judeo-Bolshevik dragon of Communism. (The fact that this was all scuttled by a vile swine named Winston Churchill confirms my atheism.)
One nitwit uncle, Prince Charles Edward, was labeled a “traitor peer” for having served in the German army during World War I. He subsequently played a pivotal role in helping the Nazis consolidate power during the 1920s; joined the Party and attained the position of Obergruppenführer in the SA, or Brownshirts as they were more charmingly known; and helped implement the German T4 program, a eugenicist nightmare that served as a practice run for the Holocaust.
There’s a very serious argument that the abdication crisis of 1936 (cf. the idiotic movie The King’s Speech), when King Edward VIII gave up the throne, actually wasn’t over twice-divorced American socialite, Wallis “The Woman I Love” Simpson. Instead, it was because the King was creating a GIGANTIC constitutional crisis by going behind Parliament’s back to pursue peace with Germany, even as Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin was (a day late and a dollar short) asking Hitler to kindly stop conquering Europe.
Ms. Simpson was even dispatched to deliver top secret intelligence to the German embassy. Meanwhile, Joachim von Ribbentrop, then the Nazi ambassador to the United Kingdom — and subsequently Minister of Foreign Affairs and the first Nuremberg defendant to be executed by hanging — was sending her bouquets of 17 carnations to symbolize the number of times she rolled in the sheets with the Nazi diplomat.
“For some time the British Government has known that the Duchess of Windsor [Ms. Simpson] was exceedingly pro-German in her sympathies and connections and there is strong reason to believe that this is the reason why she was considered so obnoxious to the British Government that they refused to permit Edward to marry her and maintain the throne,” reads an FBI file from the period. “The British government were anxious to get rid of the Duke of Windsor, first and foremost because of his fondness for Nazi ideology.”
Even after Parliament used the divorce to push the Nazi King out, Evil Ed went to Germany looking for a peace deal. “It would be a tragic thing for the world if Hitler were to be overthrown,” Edward said in an interview with American journalist Fulton Oursler following the abdication. “Hitler is the right and logical leader of the German people. It is a pity you never met Hitler, just as it is a pity I never met Mussolini. Hitler is a very great man.”
Edward encouraged Hitler to bomb the British people harder and longer in order to “weaken their resolve.” He would lead a treasonous plot to oust King George VI (his younger brother) and return to the throne after Hitler defeated Europe. Here are pictures of the trip where some of these plans were laid, all of which were described meticulously in a Nazi intel cache recovered by the Allies called the Marburg Files:
Philip was right in the middle of all of this. It’s merely a strange coincidence of history, inbred family feuding, and personal taste that he didn’t end up even deeper in the mess. This recreation of Philip marching as an adolescent in a Nazi sister’s funeral procession shows how revered he was by the Reich:
Just in case you think this is a case of, “Well, they were people in their time and we can’t use today’s judgments on history,” let’s turn to another magnificent British wartime drama, the Cambridge Five, a pile of Soviet-aligned sods and allies who sold out King and Country to serve Stalin. Donald Maclean (not queer), Guy Burgess (shamelessly gay), Harold “Kim” Philby (straight but a total playa), Anthony Blunt (super gay painting scholar working in Buckingham Palace), and John Cairncross (not gay, brilliant cryptographer) were well-bred upper class college boys at Cambridge in the 1930s, steeped in the exact same milieu that Philip was reared in.
The dire poverty of the Great Depression and the romance of the British Communist Party’s anti-fascist politics brought them into a two decade adventure that included an attempt to assassinate Spanish General Francisco Franco, covertly shuttling Jews out of Nazi-occupied countries in the dead of night, and infiltrating the military-intelligence community to hand important material over to the Kremlin. Well into the Cold War, they were fighting the good fight undercover, including a stretch in Washington during which they reached high into the CIA. It’s the first known gay-straight alliance in Communist history.
You’ll never find a single positive word about the Cambridge Five in the Anglophone press. Everything is devoted to their character assassination. John Le Carre’s book Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is the author’s revenge on Philby, who blew his cover as a spy in Berlin. The biographies are all about these guys being drunken perverts and corrupt bastards. Even their most apologetic advocate, Graham Greene, could only muster a half-assed defense of Philby when writing the foreword to Kim’s memoir.
The BBC miniseries Cambridge Spies is deliriously sensational, filled to the brim with sex, nudity, and badly-acted melodrama. (Read: cannot recommend it enough!) Another Country, a 1984 classic of gay British cinema, renders the mood of 1930s boarding schools perfectly but only nods politely to the politics, which is a shame given the stellar performances by drop-dead gorgeous 20-somethings Rupert Everett and Colin Firth.
With Prince Philip and King Edward VIII being on the other side of the equation, conducting far more serious, deadly espionage for Hitler, the Cambridge Five proved by contrast that not all upper class white Brits were racist pigs in the last century. Buckingham Palace was chock full of high-ranking officials, heirs to the throne like Prince Philip, and a King feeding intel to the Nazis that helped them win battles against the Allies so thank God that they were subverted in that cause by the Cambridge Five and other spies like them.
See you in Hell, Phil.