John Bolton: From The Axis Of Evil To The Nefarious Nonet


“Ah, troika, troika, swift as a bird, who was it first invented you?” Nikolai Gogol famously asked.

From the Axis of Evil to The Nefarious Nonet, John Bolton is a man with many enemies

The answer, of course, was them Russians:

“And you, Russia of mine—are not you also speeding like a troika which nought can overtake? Is not the road smoking beneath your wheels, and the bridges thundering as you cross them, and everything being left in the rear, and the spectators, struck with the portent, halting to wonder whether you be not a thunderbolt launched from heaven? … Rent into a thousand shreds, the air roars past you, for you are overtaking the whole world, and shall one day force all nations, all empires to stand aside, to give you way!”

Last November, you will recall, the Trump administration’s National Security Advisor, John Robert Bolton, gazed across America’s backyard and spotted a “Troika of Tyranny” trespassing there.

Why weren’t conspiracy theorists in the Resistance-Russiagate Complex suspicious that he used a Russian word? Have they not read Gogol’s Dead Souls?

Bolton’s troika—Venezuela, Nicaragua, and (who else?) Cuba—also constitutes a “triangle of terror stretching from Havana to Caracas to Managua,” he declared, with his thumb and middle finger daintily adjusting the far right lens of his spectacles.

It’s true, as seen on the maps below, you can connect these three “Socialist Shit Holes” — as our Dear Leader might put it — in the form of an isosceles triangle by using the far eastern side of Cuba, or in the form of a hypotenuse triangle by using the far western side.

Was Botlon’s triangular troika actually a thinly-veiled slap at Russia? Cleverly designed to evade suspicion from the detente-minded Hair Furor, who wouldn’t know a troika from a triumvirate?

We know it was plagiarized from Bolton’s fellow Pentagon shill, David Frum, currently serving as Resistance commissar for the formerly-unhorrible Atlantic magazine, and who coined the war slogan “Axis of Evil” for President George W. Bush in 2002, when Bolton was serving as undersecretary of [insert Orwellian title here].

As maybe a million dead Iraqis found out, the slogan worked like a charm—although one wonders if it would have been as effective had Frum kept the original Hendrixian name, “Axis: Bold as Love.”

Regardless, Bolton crushed so hard on Frum’s coinage that he couldn’t resist delivering a speech that went “beyond the axis of evil,” adding Syria, Libya, and (who else?) Cuba to the mix. It was insights like that that soon landed Bolton a $569,000 annual salary as a blowboy for Fox News, where he first caught the fleeting attention of Hair Furor.

By and by, Hair Furor put Bolton in his cabinet, making him the third National Security Advisor of a troika that included H.R. McMaster and Michael “Flynnie” Flynn, who is rumored (by me) to have worn out a copy of Roxy Music’s Country Life LP on a vintage White House phonograph.

Bolton already had Resistance cred upon assuming office, having accused Vlady Putin of a “true act of war” for hacking our 2016 presidential election. “I think in order to focus Putin’s thinking, we need to do things that cause him pain,” Bolton recommended three years prior to becoming the West Wing’s sadist-in-residence.

Bolton even openly dissed Russia in an official speech on behalf of Hair Furor, by channeling the diety who single-handedly brought the Evil Empire to its knees. “And this President, and his entire administration, will stand with the freedom fighters,” warned Bolton, adopting Ronald Reagan’s nickname for his beloved Contra terrorists in (pre-Troika) Nicaragua.

And now, after Hair Furor tweeted that Uncle Sam would be pulling out of Syria and leaving her to the Russians, Bolton has unilaterally decided to keep banging away.

Who needs Anonymous when Bolton is hiding in plain sight like Gus Fring?

“The Troika will crumble,” Bolton promised, because it is “a sordid cradle of communism.” Then he concluded with a warning to his fellow countrymen. “America, who was that lady I saw you with last night? Could it have been the sweet seductress known as the Communist conspiracy? Was it she who stood under the streetlights, luring the farm boys with her broad shoulders? Beware!”

OK, that closing remark might actually be by Les Nessman, the award-winning journalist from WKRP in Cincinnati. I’ll have to check my VHS tape archive.

In the meantime, I asked Washington Babylon’s news-prophet, The Amazing Bilderberg, who is always right half the time, to predict what Bolton’s next foreign policy alliteration might be.

“I predict Bolton will identify nine national security threats and call it the Nefarious Nonet,” said Bilderberg as if he had already been thinking about it. “Russia, Iran, North Korea, ISIS, The U.N., Grenada, The Caravan, Puerto Rico, and (who else?) Cuba.”

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Howard Rushmore is America's greatest amateur bartender and the spirited remains of the famous Confidential columnist of the same name.