Petunia the Skunk’s once long shot campaign for president has been rolling uphill since it launched two (or three?) days ago. Within 48 (or 72?) fours, Petunia and her running mate Bella Robinson have climbed from zero to seven percent, according to a new Gallup poll. That means the campaign is all but guaranteed to qualify for federal matching funds and will soon be rolling in millions of dollars.
Meanwhile, campaign strategists did the math and reached a shocking conclusion. If Petunia and Bella can gin up victories in Ohio, Florida, Michigan and Wisconsin, they will win the election, no matter what happens in the other 43 states.
Furthermore, a campus craze unlike anything since The Muppets is rocketing across the country as Petunia/Bella 2020 chapters spontaneously spring up. By the way, college students, if you are interested in forming Petunia/Bella 2020 chapters contact campaign manager Ken Silverstein, me, here or at ken@WashingtonBabylon.com. Also spread our hashtag, #ImWithPetunia, and follow Petunia on Twitter here and Bella here.
So it seemed that nothing could stop the Petunia juggernaut. Until now.
First, unnamed leakers told national reporters that someone in the campaign already had a book deal, “Inside Petunia’s Wild Ride to the Presidency: An Insider’s Account.” It turned out that was #FakeNews, but I have confirmed that the would-be author is wondering who else in the campaign wants to cash in on Petunia’s run by peddling a book deal???
Even worse, a rift has emerged in the campaign between its AOC wing, which wants to work closely with new Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and a hardline Marxist wing that wants to go full Stalin.
The AOC-ists favor an alliance because they think Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is the most refreshing political development since protestors burned the Pentagon to the ground in 1969. Jesus, even conservatives love her rhetoric if not her policy ideas, because she’s sort of a left-wing Trump, who wants to burn the house down.
Only she really does, we think, unlike Trump, who cynically exploits anti-Washington sentiment by claiming he does. In any case, torching DC is also our goal at Washington Babylon so we are in the AOC wing.
Rumor has it that the Marxists love AOC but prefer to draw up a list of “enemies” who will be detained swiftly after Petunia takes power. High on the reputed list are Jeff “Half What I Used To Be Worth After Pending Divorce” Bezos and former Senator Joe Lieberman. Since we at Washington Babylon support this idea, we are in the Marxist wing.
A further setback is that the national media refuses to cover the campaign. Since launching a few days back, Petunia has not appeared on Fox, MSNBC or CNN. A similarly chilling blackout of coverage is in place at print publications, including the New York Times, the Bezos Post and other major newspapers.
However, campaign insiders believe this will ultimately play to Petunia’s advantage because almost everyone in the country rightfully hates the elite Beltway media establishment. Stay tuned.