Hey Asshole!


Hey Asshole! What kind of toothpaste do you use? No, wait, forget that question. What I meant to ask was: where do you keep your toothpaste? On the edge of your sink? Where it often falls and makes your life an even greater hell? On a shelf in your medicine chest? Taking up valuable space that should really be occupied by high grade pharmaceuticals? Well, because we’re interested in making your life easier (because easier is better — ease is the negation of disease, remember?) we’ve got a little tip for you: hang your toothpaste from your goddamn wall! Find a binder clip, clip the damn tube, and hang it from a nail for crying out loud! Not only will you save space, you’ll never have to squeeze that wretched tube again. Gravity will work for you for a change. And, yes, I know, the toothpaste industry is horribly ecocidal. Why, when I was a kid, we used powder; none of these disposable tubes. Of course, some had their own refillable tubes. All the painters filled their own tubes back then, but that’s another story. When I was a kid, Hiram the toothpowder man came by ringing his bell every so often. We’d run down to the street to his cart and fill our jars with his salvific tooth powder. Those were the days. And you can bet your asshole that if we manage to save ourselves from baking to death on this overheated, polluted planet, toothpaste production and distribution (hell, the whole concept of toothpaste!) will be radically transformed. Maybe we’ll even take care of the toothpaste need via pedal-operated toothpowder carts. And for the first time ever every neighborhood will have fresh, healthy toothpaste, without all the toxic waste, for free! Wouldn’t that make things easier? Yes, asshole, it would!

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Elliot Sperber is a writer, attorney, and adjunct professor. He lives in New York City and can be reached at elliot.sperber@gmail.com and on twitter @elliot_sperber.