Gene Simmons’s Intimate Pentagon Ties: And 4,897 Women Slept With Simmons? Are They Insane?


When Gene Simmons of KISS spoke at the Pentagon on May 16, it was “only the second on-camera press briefing at the Department of Defense in the last year,” CNN noted.

Obvious jokes about the KISS Army being deployed to Iran spread quickly across the internet.

Although KISS fans arguably deserve to be sent to Iran, the true purpose for the occasion was “promoting military service as part of the Pentagon’s public relations push #Knowyourmil, which seeks to expand public knowledge of the Defense Department’s mission and potential military career paths,” McClatchy reported. “It is a top priority as the number of people eligible to serve continues to fall, due to weight, fitness, behavioral or other issues.”

Although TV Guide reveals that Simmons has bedded 4,897 women, those expecting a replay of The Great Pentagon Hunching Contest were sorely disappointed.

During his short speech in the Pentagon briefing room, which was captured on video, Simmons tried in vain to hold back tears while reciting familiar platitudes about America, which is “The Promised Land,” he explained.

After applauding, the rather small audience of Pentagon personnel engaged in fist-bumps and photo ops with “The Wrinkled Rocker,” as The New York Post calls him.

The Wrinkled Rocker tosses his notes at the climax of his speech.

However, the day was not a total loss. In an interview with Defense Department writer Terri Moon Cronk, the KISS frontman delivered my favorite military recruitment ad ever:

“To all the young folks who like to get on social media and know how to type really fast with their thumbs, the military needs you! Hell, come do this stuff with that stupid thumb movement you do. Come to the military and actually see how it’s a battle you can do, and they need your expertise.”

[Editor’s note: I still can’t believe that nearly 5,000 women were insane enough to sleep with this guy.]

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David Bonner is a Washington Babylon Contributing Writer and Senior Analyst of MAGA affairs. Veteran copywriter, former gutter journalist and snake oil salesman for a conspiracy webcult, and author of "Revolutionizing Children's Records" (Scarecrow Press) and “Selling Folk Music” (University Press of Mississippi).