An Ace in the Whole: How the Media Continues to Cover Up Tom Brady’s Malfeasance

In which Howard Rushmore fillets Tom Brady, the aspiring Stage Dad of Ace Davis, and the clearly racist cover-up of the brilliant aspiring scientist Jayveion Morgan's budding academic ascent...


Move over NFL Hall of Famer Ace Parker, Ace Frehley of KISS, and the late great Johnny Ace. There’s a new Ace in America, and he’s a 10-year-old from Kentucky.

No comment necessary./Fair Use.

Thanks to an aspiring stage father who’s willing to stick his son in front of any news crew with a camera, young footballer Ace Davis has gone totally viral after conducting a science experiment that allegedly proves New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is a cheater.

However, some critics have accused Ace of being a junk scientist.

“That’s some ‘Kentucky science’ right there,” quipped somebody who’s probably not from Kentucky.

“Figuring out whether any particular person cheated during a game years ago is not a scientific question,” counseled a Mr. Mowett. “But the real experiment could have gotten into double-blinding, how you select your tests, and how you draw conclusions from noisy data.”

Mr. Mowett’s critique suffers from only one flaw: Ace is in the fucking 4th grade!

Other critics chose to go the verbal child abuse route. For example, there’s the comments of El Presidente, the fucking asshole who runs the website Barstool Sports. “What a fucking asshole this kid is,” he wrote, adding that Ace is a “dickface” with a “puss ass arm.”

He also accused the boy of having a pretentious name. “What type of asshole 10 year old has the name Ace? You should have to earn that name,” said the guy who calls himself El Presidente.

Ace didn’t get much love from the gun-loving website, either.

Echoing the puss ass dickhead El Presidente, one trigger-happy commentator called Ace a “player hating little prick.” Another questioned his masculinity: “The kid is a future soy boy if he isn’t already.” (Confession: I had to Google “soy boy.”)

Ace’s political correctness was also called into question after he challenged Brady to “Gimme some of your money, you don’t deserve it.” To which an AR15 reader responded: “Sounds like a future Liberal.” Or, even worse, a “future Antifa member,” predicted another reader, adding that “AOC will be pandering to him before long.” One can only hope!

Although I believe science is real, just like the yard signs say, I’m not qualified to judge the scientific validity of Ace’s experiment.

However, I do feel qualified to judge Ace’s pose in the picture shown below, which his father uses as his own Facebook profile picture.

Paging John and Patsy Ramsey!/Fair use.

For the record, that’s not a football pose. That’s more like a JonBenét pose, and I suspect the aspiring stage father is to blame. So, Stage Dad, next time you do a photo shoot, here are some REAL football poses for you to use as a guide:

Fair Use.

In addition to believing science is real, I also believe that #BlackLivesMatter. So when I learned that a black 5th grader from Tennessee named Jayveion Morgan already tested Ace’s hypothesis a year ago, reportedly proved that Tom Brady is not a cheater, and won his school’s science fair, it mattered to me.

Jayveion Morgan/Fair Use.

But it apparently doesn’t matter to the lame-stream media, which is going ape-shit over Ace but not Jayveion.

As a Tom Brady hater myself, I initially wanted to go ape-shit over Ace and interview him, too. But he needs another interview like Tom Brady needs another Super Bowl ring, so I decided to write this article instead.

But if I did interview him, here’s the first question I would ask.

Question #1: As pointed out in part one of my Washington Babylon article about Tom Brady’s quack business TB12, he says that he drinks so much “electrolyte-fortified purified water” that he can’t get sunburned. Ace, if you had to do a science experiment to see if the sun is hot enough to burn Tom Brady, how would you do it?

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Howard Rushmore is America's greatest amateur bartender and the spirited remains of the famous Confidential columnist of the same name.