Clinton loyalists Joy Reid, Peter Daou, and Tom Watson break down the results of the landmark victory of our first Jewish nominee for the Democratic Party, Bernie Sanders. Noted progressive, Mark Ruffalo is a special guest on the MSNBC panel for the night.
NARRATOR: I’m warning readers to continue at your own peril. This entire story is a trigger warning.
No one thought it would happen, but as Hillary is my witness, the events below unfolded exactly as I recall them. Joy Reid was positively stunned after years of warning people about Bernie and his rabid followers, and it was all anyone could do just to escape alive from the MSNBC set that horrible night.
JOY: Well, that’s it. Bernard Sanders has just won the nomination for the Democratic Party.
PETER: What’s happening here? I’ve gone blind. Color blind, my regular sight seems to be fine…
TOM: I can’t feel my goatee.
JOY: [long pause] Okay then…from the beginning I’ve been a huge Bernie supporter.
PETER: Wait, what-
JOY: Why yes, Peter. [winks at Peter and Tom] Back in 2017 when Trump initially won I said, ‘Bernie and his supporters are our only hope. They are like a houseguest that comes in, improves your aesthetic, and pays the rent.’
PETER: Oh, indeed, right, I remember that. And I started Verrit to help him out by challenging him to….make him better.
TOM: [whispering to Peter] Thank GOD, you and your wife started Verrit. Even with Bernard Sanders being the nominee, we’re still with her and will always know it’s always Hillary’s turn.
NARRATOR: Oh, that Joy. She was always so clever, without a beat, she shifted gears, and became a Bernie supporter right in front of the nation’s eyes. Now that’s some real chutzpah.
JOY: Bernie and his supporters from the beginning have been amazing. They are like the high school jock, or an ‘A’ student who inspires us all to work harder, to be the best we can. I’ve often noted that the rest of the Democratic party lately are like emo kids, ready to throw anyone under a bus to have a chance to date the quarterback or the cheerleader.
MARK: What? Actually, that’s not true. You guys have all been against Bernie and his supporters since day one. This is crazy. Do you actually think people have forgotten the way you’ve all talked about Bernie? Where am I-
JOY: You’re so funny, Mark! Always a member of The Faith, lol. ANYWAY, let’s get back to the grown ups talking. Peter, when did you first realize Bernie was your man?
PETER: During my soft jazz years in The Daou. I wrote a jazz flute piece for him, I can play it now if-
JOY: Oh no no no, Peter, no one wants that! For me, I knew I would be a strong surrogate for Bernie back in 2017 when I saw a significant amount of Hillary supporters attacking Bernie online, particularly on Twitter. I was one of the first mainstream media people to demand that they knock it off.
TOM: I remember that, Joy. We were all so proud of you for once again standing up for what’s right. Remember that time I compared a Bernie rally in New York during the primary of 2016 to a Hitler youth rally? OF COURSE I was JOKING!
JOY: Obviously you were joking, Tom. [Joy and Tom chuckle] For me, truth is more important than anything in my work.
PETER: We know, Joy. [Peter goes in for a fist bump, Joy ignores him]
TOM: Absolutely. And I’ve been working for years for people to see Bernie in a measured, intelligent, rational light through my work at Hillary Men. How, you ask? By getting out ahead of the issue of Bernie opposition and sheep herding them into a failed candidate. I mean, did Hillary win in 2016? No, she didn’t. Obviously we were Bernie supporters.
PETER: You know, Joy now that I think about this, you were the first one to call Sanders “the clarion voice of the Democratic Party”! Remember that tweet you wrote in 2012? God did I hated it… I mean loved it!
JOY: Peter, you’re right. I knew WAY before anyone else…
PETER: It’s true, Joy! AND HERE WE ARE!
MARK: What the hell? All you guys did was attack during him during the 2016 election-
PETER: [Shoots Ruffalo an angry look] Pipe down, Mark. ANYWAY…as the grown ups were saying-
JOY: It’s important to talk about how we’ll move forward. I already have contacts at Indivisible ready to package and re-work Sander’s message to make it more palatable to the masses. First, we have to talk about Medicare for All. I know Sanders is passionate about it, but my team at Indivisible feels it would be better to have Medicare for Some as a first step, then by his 4th year, they can see if it worked out. Then we’ll have Medicare for Half during his 2nd term, maybe. I would assume Medicare for All could perhaps be implemented by 2120. This is what I’m hearing from my source, Howard Dean, inside the Democratic party right now.
PETER: That’s a great idea and very pragmatic. And as far as the $15 minimum wage, I’m hoping Sanders will reach across the aisle to work with his Republican friends. After all, we’re all in this together. Republicans are not our enemies. George W Bush paints kittens now. Look, even David Frum makes sense! He is very good.
JOY: They really are. I often find I agree more with David Frum than so many in the Democratic party. Yeah sure, David and neocons like Bill Krystal are “never Trumpers”, we as Democrats would NEVER HAVE liked them before 2017, but we need to WORK WITH THEM. In any case, my support of Sanders and all he stands for is unyielding, except for immediate Medicare for All, a $15 minimum wage, and free college for all, of course. That we need to discuss.
MARK: You literally just said that you wanted to change all of his key issues. Do you even hear yourselves speak?
JOY: Oh Mark! Stick to acting, dear. ANYWAY, back to the grown ups talking, [pats Mark on the head] For Sanders to win the general, he’ll have to give up a good many of his issues, if not all of his platform.
NARRATOR: I wish Mark Ruffalo wasn’t pushed to getting so angry that night. None of us saw what would be later known as The MSNBC Massacre of 2020 coming.
TOM: I’ve ALWAYS been for the issues Sanders is talking about. Look, some people said Bernie was really a Russian spy, and I disagreed…eventually. Meh, at least we have a nominee.
MARK: Look, we need to now keep our focus on the general election! As long as we’re all on the same page regarding the issues that will fight FOR working families and their struggle-
JOY: Shhh, Mark. Calm down. Typical Berniebro am I right? Ha ha ha. I’m so proud I’ve spent the last five years informing my audience regarding the major issues and changes that had to happen in the Democratic Party.
MARK: What are you even talking about-
PETER: Yes, Joy, you’ve been an incredible educator of the serious issues that have plagued the party for decades! You should have run, then we wouldn’t have Bernie. In fact I will get moving with Verrit to start pushing your 2024 campaign.
TOM: [mumbling] Men of Joy…Joy’s Men, Joyful men for Joy
JOY: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I don’t mean to step on anyone’s toes here, but are we absolutely sure Trump wouldn’t be a better option than Bernie in the long run? After eight years of Trump they’ll be ready for Joy.
TOM: Oh my god, THAT’S IT! There’s your campaign slogan, ‘After Eight Years of Trump, Aren’t YOU ready for Joy?’ Your campaign practically writes itself! All those years of punching down on the left…I mean EDUCATING those Sanders supporters will pay off!
PETER: I’ll defend you like I defended Hillary. All those young, dumb millennials flocking to Bernie and leaving our Queen behind-
JOY: Millennials can be easily manipulated. Don’t worry about that.
PETER: True. I agree with whatever you think, Joy. And whatever Hillary thinks, obviously.
JOY: Well, obviously. And to be clear, I have always been for Bernie. When I implied that Bernie is a misogynist, I didn’t actually say it. I simply said it was a dubious prospect that Bernie is a strong voice for the Women’s movement. And I was also protecting Jane Sanders from Bernie.
PETER: You are a hero for protecting Jane Sanders. And can I just say, I was thrilled to see you go after Susan Sarandon. She’s the sole reason for Hillary’s 2016 loss.
JOY: That’s true, her one vote in the state of New York did a lot of damage to Hillary. Our crack team at MSNBC did several charts and graphs based on evidence I provided from my tweets and concluded Susan is the sole reason why Hillary lost.
TOM: And Russia
PETER: And Bernie Bros!
MARK: What the fuck are you talking about? You’re for Bernie, you’re against Bernie, back and forth…do you guys have any core values? I feel like my head’s going to explode-
JOY: Ah, that’s so cute, widdle Marky is angwy! I love the passion activists have, but it’s best to stay quiet and let the grown-ups continue discussing the primary, Mark. [pats Mark on the head again] Good boy. Love your work in that film Zodiac, dear.
NARRATOR: That was the moment, the final straw that set Ruffalo over the edge. No one could have prepared for the events that followed.
PETER: I truly feel the best strategy moving forward is elevate Trump to a second term and then pave the way for a Joy Reid Presidency.
JOY: Peter, you were a successful campaign manager when Hillary lost in 2008, you have a real Midas touch with campaigns.
NARRATOR: I think I better take over for a spell, because if it wasn’t all captured by MSNBC cameras no one would have believed it. As Joy, Peter and Tom kept ignoring Mark, he grew increasingly enraged. Because Mark is a method actor and can tap into his old roles on a moment’s notice, to the amazement of all, he turned into the Hulk and destroyed the entire set. Well, you all know that, I’m sure you’ve seen the YouTube videos, they’ve had over one billion hits now.
MARK: HULK SMASH MSNBC!
JOY: Tom! Peter! Hide with me behind MSNBC’s faux-progressive platform!
TOM: No, Joy and Peter! Come hide with us behind the MSNBC sign explaining all the Comcast internet packages that killed Net Neutrality!
MARK: HULK SMASH COMCAST!
PETER: No, Tom and Joy! Come hide with me behind the chart explaining how Russia rigged the 2016 elections! We know it had NOTHING to do with Hillary’s failure to campaign in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin or spending the entire month of August 2016 at fundraisers!
NARRATOR: Finally, Joy and Tom ran as fast as they could and hid behind a capsized MSNBC Sign that simply said, Lean Forward.
But Peter…Peter had other plans. He was not about to allow this gigantic green Bernie Bro win the day. He scurried to his briefcase and pulled out a computer. Peter had an algorithm (one he borrowed from Robby Mook) that he understood could destroy any Bernie Bro, even a Hulk-sized one! As he began to type in the codes, the Hulk spotted him and charged. Peter kept typing as the behemoth got closer and came to a stop.
JOY: Peter! Don’t die! Also, I dropped a diamond stud, did you see it over there!? But, mainly the save yourself thing!
TOM: I just shit my pants! [wispers to Peter and Joy] Don’t tell anyone, those crazy kids at Columbia University (I’m actually amazed!) look up to me.
NARRATOR: I looked up, the green reflecting off his eyes as the giant Bro stared down at him. The Hulk looked down at me, the green reflecting back at him off of my shiny head. With fear but determination in my heart, I slammed down on the final enter key.
PETER: Take that, you 1% hating Brocialist!!
NARRATOR: By now, I’m sure you’ve surmised that I, the narrator, am Peter Daou’s ghost and I’m telling you this from beyond the grave. This is a real story and I am a real ghost. It’s all true. As I looked up at the Hulk, nothing happened. The Hulk was not destroyed. The algorithm didn’t work.Silence fell over the completely wrecked studio. Joy and Tom clung to each other as they stared on at the Hulking Hulk Bro that was still standing over me, Peter Daou.
PETER: How can this be! This Algorithm was Hillary Approved! Damn you, Robby Mook!
NARRATOR: The Hulk looked down at me with vengeance in his broriffic eyes. It was then Tom Watson started to make his escape.
PETER: Tom will you come back for me!?
TOM: [emerging from rubble] No, no Peter, this is where our roads part. I just wanted to let you know that we are currently in Michigan, and well as you know the algorithm doesn’t really account for Michigan, Pennsylvania or Wisconsin for that matter. You’re on your own, sport.
NARRATOR: At that point I slowly backed away from the computer. I have been so good at manipulating Bernie Bros for years, I thought I could do it again with this enormous green stooge. I was wrong.
PETER: I was never going to really destroy you, you know that, Hulk. I…I was just going to teach you a little lesson.
NARRATOR: I closed my eyes and nervously laughed while thinking of better days. Days when I would sit at my desk on twitter punching left and silencing progressives in the name of Hillary Rodham Clinton. I thought of the soft jazz of Kenny G and The Daou I played while I authenticated my Verrits. I thought of the podcast I was working on that would never come to pass, Centrism is Awesome With George W Bush. Sadly, those were the last things that ever went through my mortal mind.
HULK: HULK SMASH Peter Daou!
NARRATOR: The Hulk picked me up and threw me through the window of an Arby’s next door. I died in a mountain of cheese sauce and shaved meats.
JOY: Peter always did love Arby’s.
TOM: He really did. Who the HELL doesn’t love Arby’s?
NARRATOR: I did! True to their word, they did have the meats. Tragically, right after that the glass ceiling shattered and caved in, mysteriously killed both Tom and Joy. It’s said that somewhere in a distant wood, at that exact moment Hillary could be heard howling, It was my turn to shatter the glass ceiling!
6 MONTHS LATER
About six month later my wife was at home watching as Bernie Sanders was being sworn in as the 46th President of the United States on TV. She felt sick to her stomach at the spectacle and poured herself our favorite cocktail we lovingly called The Daou, half a glass of any boxed wine over ice, topped with Pepto Bismol and a maraschino cherry. We considered ourselves skilled artisanal mixologists.
Layla reached into her pocket for a napkin and wiped a tear from her eye. Though she was sad I was killed by the fist of giant green Berniebro and thrown into an Arby’s, she was also happy that Donald Trump was no longer the President. It was a cathartic moment. All of a sudden there was a ring of the door bell. Excited, she jumped and ran to the door. It was a delivery man, who handed her a letter. She returned to her seat at the couch and quickly opened the letter. It was my will.
As she read the document she noticed her name was missing. As she scanned page after page, It was nowhere to be found. There was only one name on the document…. Hillary Rodham Clinton! (Layla suspected for years, that I had a strange obsession with Hillary and now she knew). It all went to Hillary. Even all the soft jazz musical instruments! She decided she had to fulfil my wishes, so Layla packed up everything, rented a U-Haul for all the musical instruments and headed for the woods.
Once she got there, she didn’t know how to find Hillary. So she did what anyone would do in that situation and claimed to have donations from Wall Street.
Out of nowhere Hillary immediately appeared before the U-Haul.
HILLARY: Come down here, with the money. Sit here with me, child. [The two sat on a log amongst the trees and enjoyed the silence for a moment]
LAYLA: Bernie is the president now. [Layla discretely opens pill pocket and checks to make sure she has extra Klonopin, a few for herself and Hillary]
HILLARY: At least Peter doesn’t have to know, dear. (The Two pause and take in mother earth and stuff because they’re deep or whatever) Now leave the truck and get the fuck out of here.