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  • The Hillary Clinton 2016 app is a virtual HQ designed to keep Hillary supporters engaged in her campaign and message. It eerily feels like a metaphor for her actual campaign; users of the app are isolated, left alone in a virtual office to arrange items like imaginary donuts and I’m With Her posters. It’s an echo chamber and you’re the sole staff member.

Although the app did encourage users to visit a real world Hillary office, it mentioned that it can be scary and sending texts and alerts from your virtual HQ is solid action too. Here’s the Medium piece that sparked the discussion.

Clearly they were right, because Hillary is now President.

Two users discuss the genius  app they still use daily in 2017:

CANDICE: People tell us the election was a year ago and we should move on, but what they don’t understand is Hillary isn’t just a candidate she is a way of life. You wanna know about the Hillary 2016 Campaign app? Let’s put it this way, I would live in the Hillary campaign HQ app if I could, and in many respects I do. And no, lefty weirdos, it’s not an echo chamber just because I’m in there alone discussing all things Hillary by myself. Grow up, Berniebros.

REGINA: [clapping] Hillary is the real President! Everyone knows that, and the app just makes it possible.

CANDICE: Exactly. I start everyday by printing and re-signing my promise to vote for Hillary card provided by the app. Fun and true fact about me, each night Hillary appears to me in a dream surrounded by a ring of fire and howls through her glistening wolf teeth, You are a lawyer with a political science degree, and you will commit to vote for me every day until you die. It’s all very normal and in no way a cult like some lefties on social media have been calling us.

REGINA: Right? I get so mad when the idiots on Twitter call us a cult. How ridiculous is that?  Just because my commitment to Hillary is not even up for question no matter what she does? Does that make me blinded to facts? No, I don’t think so. If that makes us a cult and brainwashed, then so be it, but we totally aren’t, obviously. Look, it’s berniebros who are in a cult, not us.

Oh, and I actually just printed out the loyalty oath card and had it laminated. I even carry it in my wallet.

CANDICE: I had the Hillary loyalty oath tattooed across my chest. But sure, your laminated card is fine too, I guess.

REGINA: It’s not a competition, Candice.

CANDICE: Maybe not, but clearly some of us love Hillary a little more than others. That’s all I’m saying.

REGINA: I love Hillary, too.

CANDICE: But I love her more. I’m a lawyer with a political science degree, so I think I know more about all of this than you. Let’s just move on.

Another very normal thing I do is set the Countdown to Election Day clock to start over each morning so every day is November 8th 2016. So in my virtual world Hillary never lost and has a new chance of winning. And of course, I make sure she wins every night. So far, Hillary has become President over 365 times.

REGINA: That’s a great idea. In *my* Hillary HQ app, I have racked up so many points from all the texting I have done for her, I earned enough to buy new virtual furniture. [DMs BFF Neera Tanden who dreams about a real office in Hillary’s 2020 West Wing]

CANDICE: I love that you can buy furniture. And there are other great things too. I recently bought a virtual kick-boxing Susan Sarandon themed  punching bag.

REGINA: I bought that too. I punch Susan Sarandon’s stupid face and yell,  If it weren’t for you, Hillary would be President right now, you bitch!

It’s OBVIOUS that Susan Sarandon influenced people in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin not to vote for Hillary. Fuck her and her alt-left INFLUENCE.

CANDICE: Susan Sarandon is basically the reason for all evil in the world, I’m convinced.

REGINA: One hundred percent. SO MUCH of this is Susan Sarandon’s fault. At *least* we have the app to beat the hell out of Susan whenever we want. It’s so great.

CANDICE: And the app is so smart. I mean really smart. If I don’t come back, my virtual plants will die. That’s a lot of incentive to come back, but like I needed an incentive to come back to Hillary HQ? Um, no. I love her. The app is just pure genius.

REGINA: It really is, Candice. I keep moving the #ImWithHer signs around. Sometimes it’s lonely in my Hillary HQ virtual office, but just *knowing* others are engaging and loving *their* Hillary virtual office..well..SOLIDARITY.

CANDICE: When I was nine I was abducted by aliens and my parents found me a week later in the ball pit of a Chuck-E-Cheese.

REGINA: [long pause] Okay. I also have a virtual pillow that says, Pokemon Go To The Polls!

CANDICE: [longer pause] They said I was speaking a dead language when they found me and I was never the same since.

Lol, anyway.

I also like that the app gives a true Hillary supporter like me a safe space where I can share ideas with myself. Since I am the only one in the room I feel comfortable to say, Bernie is a Russian agent and no one disagrees with me. Or I can say, Hillary is the most popular politician in America, and there’s no berniebro there to bring up some fake Russian poll to prove me wrong.

REGINA: Candice, no WONDER you have a J.D degree AND one in political science…

CANDICE: I also have degrees in History, Art, Psychology and Organic Biology, but you know me, I’m not one to brag or talk about my degrees.

REGINA: That’s so true, you are exceedingly humble. Here’s what I do, I go to my Hillary App, arrange photos and things. Then after imagine sitting at my desk and writing up a list of all the secret Russian agents (you know the ones, Candice, Jen Kirkman is on the case too, just look for Bernie supporters, surrogates and BERNIE HIMSELF) to give to Neera, who I PRAY will give the list to Hillary.

CANDICE:  That’s the most important work there is right now. Some people say it’s healthcare, a living wage, or the environment, but they’re all wrong. It’s identifying Russian bots and agents on Twitter.

REGINA: Yes. And it’s so sad that only we get that.

CANDICE: One thing I’d like to mention when reaching  out to the less educated Hillary voter is the app is careful not to make people feel stupid. I don’t have to worry about that, but you might. As a lawyer with a political science degree, I never feel or look stupid.

REGINA: Thank God for you, Candice. Whenever I’ve had questions regarding this app, like What’s this for? or, This seems kind of useless, I contact you and you bring me back to getting it. Thank you so much for never backing down and keeping all of us on course. Hillary is our REAL PRESIDENT.

CANDICE: She is our one and only true god, all others are false gods. All hail the queen, may those that question her or her reign be struck down by a thousand bolts of lightning. Thus speaketh Nergal, god of war of ancient Mesopotamia-  [rants in dead language for several minutes]

You will all bow down before Hillary!

REGINA: Amen!

CANDICE: [out of breath] My therapist told me I’m stuck and that it’s not healthy to live in an app or any alternate reality, but I told him-

REGINA: …. you’re a lawyer with a political science degree?

CANDICE: Exactly, and then I  promptly fired him for ever questioning me.

REGINA: Good for you. Know what’s odd, Candice? I’ve been told by five different therapists that they cannot help me. It’s usually only after I tell them about the Hillary HQ app. It’s so weird.

CANDICE: Don’t listen to them. You are a very normal person just like me. Did you know I was a girl scout before I was a lawyer with a political science degree? I love that I can earn badges in the Hillary app just like Girl Scouts. After a year I have eight hundred thousand and twelve badges. It’s my life’s work . Friends have suggested that my time could be better spent by volunteering at a food bank, or my local Democratic party, or literally any other thing, but we both know that’s nonsense, Regina.

REGINA: As far as getting involved with my local Democratic Party goes, yeah I tried it and NO. Too many Bernie supporters. Fuck them, hear what I’m saying? (I know you do, Candice) As far as badges go, I have Neera on my back. I actually have more badges than you.

CANDICE: No you don’t.

REGINA: Yes, I do.

CANDICE: [through clenched teeth] Are you questioning me?

REGINA: Look, we’re both tired. The app takes a lot of time and energy. Let’s both calm down.

CANDICE: I. AM. A. LAWYER. WITH. A. POLITICAL. SCIENCE. DEGREE.

REGINA: Christ. Fine, whatever. Here’s what we can agree on, Bernie Sanders is not a Democrat and is clearly a Russian chaos agent paid by Putin. Jen Kirkman is one hundred percent right.

CANDICE: Jen Kirkman is one of the few accounts on Twitter that makes sense.

REGINA: People say this app isn’t really activism, and I say, Fuck you Berniebro, you don’t know jack.

CANDICE: I so agree. I also love the virtual donuts they left out for us. I made a virtual berniebro Nina Turner and when she comes to my office to give me the People’s Platform I throw donuts at her through the window. Ha ha ha ha!

REGINA: OH MY GOD! I was *just* about to talk about the plate of donuts. That Nina Turner makes me FURIOUS! HOW DARE she want the Democratic Party to actually be the, what does she call it? “Party of the People” Fuck her and all those sexist bros.  I’m with you, Candice.

CANDICE: I made a virtual Bernie Sanders, too. He’s trapped in a pit in the basement. Sometimes I shout to him, It puts the lotion in the basket, or it gets the hose again. Only drawback is I’m  afraid he’ll take my virtual dog, Henry Kissinger, hostage.

REGINA: That wretched LIAR, Bernie Sanders has three goddamn houses. Keep him in the pit.  I write to Tom Perez and Chuck Schumer daily and tell Tom to get Bernie the hell away from the party.

CANDICE: Me too. What really makes me happy is when I visit twitter and see our crew, Joy, Debra, and Neera, among others, dogpiling on some leftist and knowing that collectively we hold over fourteen million Hillary Punching Left app badges. How can Berniebros compete with that? The Punching Left badge is my favorite, and my second of course being the, Bernie Isn’t a Real Dem badge.

REGINA: I’m trying to figure out a way to get pictures of serial left punchers to put in my Hillary virtual office. Like Joy Reid, Neera (naturally), Peter Daou and Joan Walsh.

CANDICE: Peter Daou is amazing and what every man should be. I wish he was single and would play jazz flute to me every night, then whisper Hillary’s name gently in my ear until I fell asleep.

REGINA: He’s so cool.

CANDICE: Peter Daou practically invented cool.

REGINA: He’s like a cooler Kenny G, and I didn’t think that was possible. Oh! And how great is Verrit? If anyone doubts anything we say, we’ll just be like, We have a Verrit code you dumb mother fuckers!

CANDICE: Boo-yah! Verritfied, bitches!

CANDICE: We should however mention the app can be dangerous. One time I didn’t log off for three weeks and survived on a diet of cat food and GT’s Kombucha because it was all I had in my house.

REGINA: Same happened to me, but I woke up and found myself surrounded my a month’s worth of empty Chinese takeout containers that I didn’t remember ordering. So I FEEL YOU on how ADDICTIVE the app can get.

CANDICE: I don’t even shower anymore. There’s no time. It’s so cute, I named my virtual cat Hillary and my virtual goldfish Tim Kaine. Sadly, Hillary ate Tim Kaine.

REGINA: Hillary ends up eating everyone eventually, just don’t say that on Twitter, ha ha ha.

CANDICE: Excuse me?

REGINA: [head down] I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m tired. Maybe I should go spend the next few hour doing my Hillary factoid flashcards that are in the app. I love spending hours and hours just learning about Hillary….every single thing about Hillary. The Trump or False cards are my favorite.

CANDICE: Yeah, maybe you should. [opens app] Uh-oh, virtual me just hung herself with a rope woven from I’m With Her T Shirts.

Again.

  • Karl Kolchak

    This is a classic!

  • 😂 best thing I’ve read today