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An employee at a PBS affiliate in Kansas will reveal that Ken Burns sent her a 12-hour video of sexually explicit vintage photos (with narration by a Peter Coyote impersonator). However, she will not accuse Burns of sexual harassment, but instead claim that he just made her really bored.

 

In a joint venture with Charlie Rose, Sears will introduce a new line of beltless robes.

 

Kai Ryssdal will be outed by a Marketplace intern for repeatedly forcing her to “do the numbers” with him, which she will claim to be code for an incredibly kinky sex act.

 

Harvey Fierstein will be blacklisted by mistake.

 

Roy Moore will not leave his wife and marry his 13-year-old cousin.

 

Numerous allegations of sexual misconduct will arise during the war crimes trial of Henry Kissinger.

 

Caitlyn Jenner will accuse Bruce Jenner of grabbing her pussy.

 

More pictures of Texas Congressman Joe Barton masturbating will be posted online, and he will continue to denounce the photos as “revenge porn,” while breaking his promise not to run for an 18th term in Congress, where he will support proposed* bipartisan legislation making revenge porn a federal crime. [*True]

 

Sexperts will determine that the term “sexual predator” can no longer be used to describe Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Washington Babylon will issue a statement warning that Marlon Brando still isn’t even half safe.

 

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