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Tom Brady’s TB12 Method, developed with the cancer-curing, concussion-curing infomercial pitchman-turned-“body coach” Alex Guererro, has many products in stock to help you achieve peak performance. (For Part 1 of this series, click here.)

One of the most important of these is the “Looped Band” — or what old-school fitness guru Jack LaLanne called the “Glamour Stretcher.”

Here’s Brady using a Glamour Stretcher to demonstrate some sort of autoerotic hogtie maneuver.

Note the creepy Jack Nicholson-in-The Shining eyes.

TB12 says its Glamour Stretcher Looped Bands are “a critical component to achieving optimal strength and sustaining peak performance. These are the same bands used daily by Tom Brady and by all clients at the TB12 Sports Therapy Center in Foxboro.”

They come in several tensile strengths, and are sold in “kits” of 5 for $80, 9 for $150, or the “Start Up Kit” for $250. That includes 9 bands plus a can of TB12 Whey Protein, a container of TB12 electrolyte-infused water, and the TB12 book, which has handy information about many other products available from the TB12 website, plus “tons of verbosity, platitude, error, and superfluous anecdotage” (Dwight MacDonald’s apt 1954 description of self-help books).

So far, Brady has not issued any recordings promoting his Glamour Stretcher. But Jack LaLanne did.

Here’s the Glamour Stretcher phonograph record that Jack put out in 1959, and which housewives across the land played and stretched to in the comfort of their own homes.

But wait, that’s not all.

Brady is also bringing back his version of Jack LaLanne’s amazing Massage-O-Ball.

As hyped by the TB12 website: “Exercises developed through the TB12 Method utilizing pliability enhancing products like the TB12 Vibrating Foam Roller and the TB12 Vibrating Sphere enhance pliability in critical muscle groups.”

 

And here’s the original Massage-O-Ball.

See the drawing of Jack on the box using the Massage-O-Ball. See the guy below using the TB12 Vibrating Foam Roller.

The whole TB12 Method is based the concept of “pliability,” which is Principle #1 in the 12 Principles of TB12, as explained on the official website: “Everything begins with pliability, the daily lengthening and softening of muscles before and after physical activity. Without pliable muscles, you can’t achieve long-term health.”

As indicated in the picture below, pliability requires something called “no-load strength training.” In other words, no lifting weights.

Beginning in the 1920s, Charles Atlas made a fortune off No-Load Strength Training. He called it “Dynamic Tension.”

According to Charles Atlas LTD, the company that continues to trade on his name, “Dynamic Tension is the best, original and astonishingly successful system designed by Charles Atlas to develop a muscular strong physique more quickly and safely than any other method!”

As described by Elizabeth Toon from the University of Manchester’s Centre for the History of Science, Technology and Medicine, “The Dynamic Tension Method was a mail-order subscription series of illustrated lessons in exercise, diet and health, presented as a series of letters from Atlas himself.”

Of course, once you’ve hooked people on your exercise Method, you can sell them a perpetual series of “dietary supplements” like vitamins and juicing machines.

Which is why TB12 offers a line of snacks (“Superfood Energy Squares”), vegan protein bars, and subscription-only “Performance Meals” (beginning at only $72 per week), in addition to the obligatory Whey Protein powder and Electrolyte-Infused water. All “TB12-aligned” in accordance with the Method, naturally.

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