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Tom Brady: Cheat. Liar. Fraud. Creep. Image from recent Boston Globe story on "TB12."

Everybody’s talking about the new Tom Brady book, The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance. It describes the TB12 Method in the numbing detail typical of the self-help genre, while promoting the numerous products that the TB12 Method exists to sell.

From the official website:

The TB12 Method is a cutting edge training approach that Tom Brady developed with his long-time body coach Alex Guerrero to focus on preventing injury and promoting accelerated injury recovery through holistic, whole-body wellness. The approach focuses on maximizing long-term results and Tom credits the TB12 Method for his sustained peak performance as he plays in his 18th season of professional football.

The TB12 Method incorporates exercise, nutrition, hydration, cognitive exercise, and unique approaches for maximizing muscle pliability in order to help active individuals achieve and sustain peak performance.

In TB12 gospel, “pliability” is the holy word. As Brady’s ghostwriter Peter Smith writes in the book: “At its core, the TB12 Method focuses on developing and maintaining something that many people have probably never heard of: muscle pliability.”

The website clarifies: “Everything begins with pliability, the daily lengthening and softening of muscles before and after physical activity. Without pliable muscles, you can’t achieve long-term health.”

As for TB12 nutrition, it was summed up by Brady’s personal chef, who was paraphrased by The New York Post.

The quarterback eats 80 percent vegetables and whole grains, and 20 percent fish and lean meats, such as certain cuts of steak and duck. He doesn’t touch sugar, white flour or nightshade fruits and vegetables, which include tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, tomatillos, potatoes and certain berries. Fat comes from extra virgin olive oil on raw foods, and coconut oil on cooked foods.

Also on the list of banned ingredients: MSG, iodized salt, coffee, fungi and dairy. He only drinks alcohol occasionally.

In addition, he avoids all fruit except for the occasional banana, which he puts in a blender and drinks.

The only thing resembling dessert is avocado ice cream, though it contains no dairy so it’s not really ice cream.

Need another reason to hate Brady? He’d rather eat dairy-free avocado.

Regarding hydration, Brady told ESPN that he rises at the crack of dawn every morning and drinks 20 ounces of electrolyte-fortified purified water, which makes him so well hydrated that “even with adequate exposure to the sun, I won’t get sunburned.”

Except for when the Patriots are playing a night game, he turns in early, because he has to get up early to swill all that water. “I go to bed at like 8:30, 9:00. As soon as I put my kids to bed.” And when he hits the sack, he wears “tech-enabled sleepwear.”

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, and whether or not any of it works – or if it’s just a con – is a question for a different time. The question for now is: Why would anybody choose to submit themselves to this “method”?

Well, if you think the TB12 Method sounds like a living hell, then have I’ve got a plan for you!

Introducing The GB16 Method

It’s named for George Blanda, the quarterback and placekicker who wore number 16 for the Oakland Raiders. Unlike Brady, Blanda was no pretty boy. He looked kind of like John Wayne in True Grit. And I don’t know what Mrs. Blanda looked like, but I bet she wasn’t a fancy supermodel like Gisele.

If Brady’s longevity and success can be attributed to TG12, then it logically follows that Blanda’s longevity and success can be attributed to GB16.

George Blanda: Football legend, honest eater.

Tom Brady has played 18 seasons. Not bad, but George Blanda played for 26 seasons! From 1949 to 1975. He played in FOUR DIFFERENT DECADES. He was 48 when he retired, and he looked more like 68. And then he went into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

In one game, he threw seven touchdown passes. SEVEN! In his career, he kicked 335 field goals and 943 extra points – more than anyone else in history. He scored 2,002 points.

In his 11th season, he joined the Houston Oilers of the new American Football League, and quarterbacked them to championship victories in their first two seasons.

In 1966, his 17th season, the Oilers traded him to the Raiders, where he played 9 MORE SEASONS as the starting placekicker and became the greatest backup quarterback ever.

“Blanda had a God-given killer instinct to make it happen when everything was on the line,” Raiders owner Al Davis said to The Sporting News in 1989. “I really believe that George Blanda is the greatest clutch player I have ever seen in the history of pro football.”

A five-week stretch during the 1970 season cemented that reputation.

It began with a game against the Steelers, when Blanda came in for the injured starting quarterback, Daryle Lamonica, and threw for three touchdowns in the fourth quarter to win the game.

In the next game, against the Kansas City Chiefs, he kicked a last-second 48-yard field goal to tie the game, preventing a loss. (There was no overtime in those days.)

The following Sunday, against the Cleveland Browns, Blanda entered the game with only a few minutes left, and the Raiders down by 7. He threw a touchdown pass, kicked the extra point, and then on the next drive he kicked a 52-yard field goal to win the game with 3 seconds left.

The next game, he threw a late touchdown pass to beat the Broncos. And the next week he beat the Chargers with a last-minute field goal.

Blanda was 43, and was named AFC Player of the Year that season.

He explained his “method” in a 1971 Sports Illustrated article.

“After last year people came up to me and said, ‘George, how do you do it? What’s your secret?’ Word got out that I had a special diet, that I didn’t drink or smoke. One ‘insider’ said that I was taking hormones, and that was why I was able to play so many games at my ripe old age. Well, there is no secret. My special diet consists of the same things I’ve been eating ever since I grew up: steak and potatoes and green vegetables. I smoke and I drink. The worst five years of my 21 as a pro were the five when I didn’t smoke at all. Now I’ve gone back to cigarettes, a pack or two a day, although I don’t inhale them. As for alcohol, I enjoy bourbon — it’s part of my University of Kentucky background — but I don’t guzzle it down like water. I sip it, and I limit myself to two or three drinks.”

So there you have it: The GB16 Method.

Steak, potatoes, greens, cigarettes and whiskey. Sounds a lot more fun than TB12, doesn’t it?

That’s more than enough veggies for a week.

You can bet that ol’ George never even heard of vegan ice cream or nightshade vegetables, and wouldn’t be caught dead in “tech-enabled” pajamas.

Pliability? Fuck that shit! Who cares about injuries? Hell, when Blanda joined the NFL, helmets were made of leather and only pussies wore facemasks!

And mouthpieces hadn’t been invented yet. Because who needs teeth?

So obey that impulse and act now, without delay! Follow the GB16 Method and you too can achieve sustained peak performance — just like the late, great George Blanda. Or at least you’ll have a good time trying.

And the best part: GB16 doesn’t cost a penny, except the food.