Barack Hussein Obama, identified by Ann Coulter as “the most left-wing person to ever run for president of the United States,” is furious for not being included in the Encyclopedia of the American Left.
At 928 pages, the Encyclopedia is a thick, monumental tome which contains the names of about 3,000 American leftists and leftist organizations. It’s touted as “the most comprehensive guide available to the history of radical and progressive movements in America” covering “key figures, events, issues, organizations, and concepts, from Tom Paine to the Black Panther Party.” The Library Journal calls it “comprehensive” and “indispensible.”
But somehow the most left-wing person to ever run for president is not listed in it. “I was a community organizer, for Allah’s sake!” exclaimed former President Obama. “Everybody knows I was a disciple of Saul Alinsky. Remember Saul Alinsky? He’s in the book, for fuck’s sake!”
Nor does the Encyclopedia mention the “Godfather of the Left,” as George Soros is known by the non-partisan Media Research Center. “This displeases me greatly,” said Godfather Soros menacingly, while rubbing his fingernails against the underside of his chin. “They must’ve mistaken me for the Koch brothers.”
Although almost everyone in Hollywood is a card-carrying leftist, none of them appear in the book. So don’t bother searching for George Clooney or Gwyneth Paltrow, because they’re not there. Not even Barbra Streisand!
Not a single American mayor is listed in the Encyclopedia, either, despite the fact that “most American cities have been ruled by left-wingers for decades,” according to the centrist journal National Review. “This is outrageous,” complained former Newark mayor Cory Booker, who is known for openly disseminating messages to his constituents via social media. “I once tweeted all three volumes of Das Kapital, 140 characters at a time!” he bragged.
Amazon.com, too, was suspiciously overlooked, despite the fact that Mike Adams (aka “The Health Ranger”) unmasked it as “the Big Brother arm of the leftist thought police.”
Adams is also a fearless critic of the leftist media, which he says “includes the Huffington Post, New York Times, Washington Post, LA Times, CNN, MSNBC and all the other sources of intolerant, hate-based, anti-American and anti-police media outlets that are now ripping this nation to shreds from the inside out.” But shockingly, none of those leftist media outlets appear in the Encyclopedia!
The absence of The Washington Post is particularly puzzling, considering that it is cited as an example of “the left” by The New York Times, which itself was positively identified by Ted Cruz as a “left wing rag.”
Time magazine, also cited as an example of “the left” by The New York Times, is also nowhere to be found in the Encyclopedia.
MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow is perhaps the most glaring omission of all. When she learned that her name appears nowhere in the Encyclopedia, she threatened to defect to another country, according to an anonymous source at the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C.
The pasty loudmouth MSNBC host Chris Matthews, who was exposed as a “left-wing race-hustler” by the Media Research Center, is also inexplicably missing from the book. “THIS MUST BE SOME KIND OF JOKE” he yelled. “I’M THE MOST FREEBALLING LEFTIST THERE IS!”
General Electric, former parent company of NBC News, which runs MSNBC, issued the following statement: “We believe that our left-wing work over the years speaks for itself. From hiring Ronald Reagan as our spokesman in the 1950s to building nuclear weapons for the Pentagon, we have always been on the vanguard of the proletarian revolution. Our sale of NBC to another multinational corporation for billions of dollars is further proof of our unwavering commitment to a leftist agenda.”
Believe it or not, National Public Radio also failed to make the cut, although “there is no question NPR is a left-wing outfit,” as Bill O’Reilly observed from his no-spin zone. “I just don’t understand it,” said a perplexed Robert Siegel, host of NPR’s All Things Considered.
His on-air colleague, Melissa Block, blames the show Marketplace for the snub. “As big-time leftists, we at NPR hate that capitalistic show almost as much as we hate America, but for some reason we broadcast it anyway. And I think that’s probably why the Encyclopedia disqualified us.” Marketplace host Kai Ryssdal was having his hair varnished and could not be reached for comment.
[DISCLOSURE: This is satire. Like The Onion. It’s not true. It’s fake. Don’t believe it for a minute. Not to be taken internally. Or is it?]