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When I heard of it for the first time, I wasn’t sure. People kept telling me I deserved better. But as the time passed, my curiosity overcame the fear of pain. I thought I was experienced enough to try. So I did.

Very soon, I realized the pressure was much higher than I’d expected. My friends were constantly irritated. My boyfriend got jealous. My boss told me it might be too much. But I could do nothing. I had already crossed the line.

I was persistent. I did my best to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed people about their own experiences. I called numerous experts. I spent nights on the Internet trying to find the answer, even exploring the history of the last days of the Roman Empire, which  fell after its collision with barbarians. I studied theories about childhood traumas and was ready to quote Sigmund Freud at the drop of a hat. I almost started learning Japanese to better understand it.

It often seemed to me I was just one step away from solving this mystery. But then something completely unexpected always happened and I had to start from scratch.

One day there was no response for 11 minutes. I felt that I was back to the days when I hadn’t started doing it. First, it  was a great relief. However, I soon felt a terrible anxiety. I didn’t understand what was going on and I was about to call my shrink to discuss my withdrawal symptoms, and then suddenly it was back.

To be honest, it’s now been ten months and I feel very frustrated dealing with it. Sometimes it seems to me that I have developed a phobia. But it’s not like me to give up. It’s said there are no mistakes — there are only lessons you can learn to expand your knowledge of life and the universe.  

So, we are still together. Me and @realDonaldTrump in my pocket. On January, 17th  2017, I subscribed to his tweets, which I receive via text messages sent to my phone.

By now, all I know for certain is that it’s better to turn on Airplane Mode when I want to get some sleep. Of course, the president can tweet at any moment, day or night, and what he does could always lead to nuclear war. But there’s no sense in worrying about it because if that happens I’ll probably never know about it anyway since it will likely lead to global apocalypse and radio silence.

So far it hasn’t reached that point and so when I wake up in the morning I always feel even more refreshed, and alive. But my god, dealing with it definitely requires a lot of energy.

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